They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
You Might Also Like
before u buy those shoes online ask yourself if u really want 2 new emails a day for the rest of ur life
Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
Nothing like an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” to make you feel like a Harvard double major.
When I’m King, people who say “based” will be the first to go.
@knotta_tardfan’s account is temporarily unavailable because it violates the Twitter Media Policy. Learn more.
Her: It’s so sweet of you to cook for me. What are you making?
Me: It’s a special family seafood dish named after my grandmother. It’s called ClamLydia.
Her: I forgot. I already ate.
Get your ski mask. We’re pulling off a popsicle factory heist. I got the strawberry shortcakes. Leave no creamsicle behind.
Boy: *Kissing girl on couch* You wanna take this upstairs?
Girl: Hehe sure baby
Boy: Sweet! Grab the other end, I can’t carry it by myself
Me thinking: focus on what she’s saying, focus on what she’s saying, focus on what’s she’s saying…
My wife: …so what do you think?
Me: wait… what?
[fight scene – me and a murderer kick a gun across the room and grapple for it]
me: [reaching under couch] shit
murderer: let me try i have longer arms
me: you do not
murderer: do too. stand up
[we measure arm length]
me: wow
murderer: yeah i got like a 6’3” wingspan
Kids: It’s the first day of spring break and it’s not fair that we’ve been bored all day.
Me, barley conscious: It is literally 10 o’clock in the morning.
I’ll see the eclipse when it’s out of theaters and on cable in 3 months.
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Daughter: dada is Aquaman a mermaid?
Me: no honey.
Daughter: he can swim and breathe and talk underwater like a mermaid.
Me: yes but he has legs.
Daughter: Ariel has legs too.
[later]
Wife: I rushed home what’s the emergency?
Me: I think Aquaman might be a mermaid.
of course they’re your soulmate you only know 15 people
You don’t need to buy an expensive exercise machine. Just do what I did and get a bean bag chair.
Kid: Hey Mom.
Me: I’m asleep.
Kid: Where is the switch to the garbage disposal?
Me: I’M AWAKE.
Don’t make me mad or so help me, I will become the 70th like on all of your future tweets.
Kinda pissed that I have to take my dog to the vet and not the dogtor.
If someone acts shocked that you haven’t read a certain book, the best response you can give them is, “Yeah, I heard it sucks”
Girl: I will literally **kill** you
Tall guy: that is adorable, ilysm my lil beansprout
Short king (unsheathing his samurai sword): so it’s come to this
One of my girlfriend’s bras made it into the dryer.
It was nice knowing you guys.
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
I always carry a knife with me in case my mugger is made of cake.
[campfire]
ME: They say these trees are over 200 years old. Man, if trees could talk…
TREE: Please stop burning my flesh to cook hot dogs.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
Me: *gets in from fishing trip*
Girlfriend: did you catch anything?
Me: *sighs* just an old boot
Girlfriend: okay, what’s she called?
My boyfriend literally has no problem making friends with anybody…
I made the mistake of telling my son I found a hair on my chin and now he keeps calling me Pops