Annoying coworker: “I just had a near death experience!”
Me: “Awww. Keep trying. You’ll get it next time, bud!”
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Are there a lot of abbreviations for Maine or is it just ME?
If you feed your kitten Muscle Milk it will become a tiger in as little as 90 days or you get your money back.
Terminate an unwanted conversation with someone you haven’t seen for years with the words, “Wow. You’ve aged badly…”
My “Game of Thrones” is just me running around the mall looking for a clean toilet.
sorry I missed your call, 95% of the calls I get are from robots trying to steal my credit card information so this entire method of communication is now dead to me
I’m tired of being the only single person in my friendship group, so I’m going to make a real effort to get out there and meet new people. One of them is bound to have some good ideas for sabotaging my friends’ relationships.
Terribly Tuesday.
My friend says I’m self-absorbed, so I took a long, hard look at myself. Beautiful
eating red meat increases your chances of dying by 13%. i now have a 113% chance of dying.
My kid’s closest friend was telling me that she (16) and some of her school friends were having the discussion: ‘Who is the one man you’d feel comfortable being alone in a room with in any situation.’ Her answer was Shrek.
It’s an scientific fact that the smoke detector battery will only die at 0230
In the middle of an argument, begin calmly folding a blanket if you want the other person to go truly ballistic
Roses are red
Violets are blue
Stop clicking your pen when you talk to me Kevin
I swear I will murder your face with my tape dispenser
*Uses 3 gallons of water to rinse out yogurt container so it can go into recycling bin
Caterpillar: no legs wtf how do I get around?
God: *wearing bird mask* BOO
Caterpillar: o000ö
God: haha jk it’s just me
Caterpillar: oOOOö
God: SEE YOU’RE DOING IT
If you guys don’t do my “Funeral Ideas” Pinterest board justice at my funeral, I will haunt you so hard
*pinning ideas to “Haunting” board*
“Honey, the baby sure is fussy. Why don’t we go see a movie after we goto a nice, quiet restaurant?”
Me: *breaks the neck of my enemy to save ammo
Everyone else at laser tag: 😳
[Doctors appointment]
Me: It hurts when I go like this. *gets up and leaves and goes to work*
I have OCD as well as ADD.
Basically, that means I like to keep shiny objects that distract me in an even number of neat, organized piles.
I’m here to make a donation.
Nun: Blessings, the orphans could use…
*Shoving my kid at her- A brother? I’d like a receipt. For my taxes.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
Add some young bull sharks to your rich neighbor’s natural swimming pool for a little excitement
Me: when I say WAF you say FLES, WAF—
My kids: so is breakfast almost ready or what, you’re literally killing us
[ restaurant ]
him: how long for a table
me: about 8 feet
him: no the wait
me: ah, 90 lbs
The Olympics were so inspiring I’m now commuting to work via pole vault
What do you call an upset reindeer?
Caribou-hoo.
*Ba-dum-tsss
[Sitting in your closet]
I’m completely over you.
If you’re drunk when you die, are you drunk forever…?