A werewolf is chasing you. Your life flashes before your eyes: crappy jobs, breakups, Ren fairs. The werewolf gets depressed and goes home.
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Wife: *looking at three baskets full of my clothes* You need to do laundry.
Me: No, two of those are clean.
“What if your breakfast could occasionally spit acid in your eye?”
-Inventor of grapefruit
A fun part of marriage is arguing over who deserves to use the charger in the car. PROVE IT, SHOW ME YOUR PERCENTAGE
Genetics dictate that if two people who refuse to talk before coffee have children, their children will carry the before coffee chatty gene
Why do I have to use leaves as toilet paper when I go camping while we have bears out there using Charmin?
Friend Who I Haven’t Seen in a While: your kid’s gotten so big! what is he, four?
Me: i have no idea what he’s for
Playing games with a 6yo is a lot like going to the casino. If you start winning then you’ll get accused of cheating.
Angel: So the sins are deadly.
God: Yep!
Angel: So like, do you die if you commit one?
God: Well, no.
Angel: So why call them deadly?
God: It’s like *waving arms* spooky, you know?
My 7yo twins informed me when they grow up they aren’t going to have kids, they want to travel the country in a motor home and take homeless children off the sidewalk.
I guess it’s time for the ol “kidnapping is frowned upon” talk.
Me: [at the gym] arm or leg day?
Octopus: [crying] I’m not sure
Me: *pooping with the door open*
Olive Garden Mgr: “I know what the slogan says ma’am, we aren’t THAT kind of family.”
you know how there are wedding coordinators? why can’t there be moving coordinators? like, i want you to pack, move, turn off utilities, turn on new utilities, change my mailing address, clean the house and feed me.
Why yes, YouTube, I *did* want to watch part 5 when part 2 ended. How did you know?
I believe this to be the best photograph of a dog ever taken in human history.
Pediatricians should write complementary prescriptions for parents so that when we inevitably wake up with the same thing as our child we can be more prepared.
If there isn’t a fireworks company whose slogan is “our business is booming,” that seems like a real missed opportunity.
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
Sorry I started scratching your bug bite as I asked if it still itches.
Shoplifting may be wrong in a general sense, but what if, for example, I’m bored of paying for things
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
WIFE: would you chop these onions for me
ME: sure
WIFE: I meant with a knife
ME (tightening the belt on my karate robe): aww man
I see WWIII is about to kick off again. I’d best cancel the milk and get the cat in.
*job interview*
Boss: Give an example of when you’ve done something creative
Me: When I listed my ‘experience’ on the application form
Thank you to all the people who tweet landscape pictures so we don’t forget what it looks like outside
Just ran 45 minutes on the treadmill and burned 732 calories. Or as many people like to call it, 4 olives.
My sister has positioned herself as the lazy sibling and honestly I stan, no one expects anything from her. Is it too late for me to rebrand?
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Facebook friend: What a busy day! Aydyn had a soccer tournament and then we completely remodeled the kitchen, then we did a 20 mile bike ride and finished the day with reading 15 chapters of a book!
Me: *is impressed that I actually finished reading her post*