I have a fold up treadmill under my fold up bed, so by the time I get the treadmill set up, I’m like “That’s enough exercise for today”
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Just hung a picture of Steve Buscemi over my daughters toothbrush to ensure proper brushing.
Cop: know why I pulled you over?
“Hopefully to arrest me.”
Cop: [sees backseat full of screaming kids] sir, please step out of the vehicle.
TIP: As you walk down a trail, use a stick to make first contact with spiderwebs. You can also use your face. Do what feels right.
I knew this day would come. It’s on my calendar
Had a bad mixup at the store today. Cashier said strip down facing me. Apparently she meant my credit card.
The me who snips coupons needs to communicate better with the me who walks into the stores.
Welcome to “I HEARD THE CAT PUKE BUT DON’T KNOW WHERE” the game where your eyes try to find it before your feet do.
If the United States ever collapses, the upside is that we can finally use the blue starry part of American flags to make wizard hats.
[loses house key, starts a new life]
Doctor: Are you sexually active?
Me: I’ve got 21K followers on Twitter.
Doctor: A simple “No” would have been sufficient.
[dinner theater]
Me: babe relax it’s just a play it’s supposed to be fun
Waiter: *winks* table or booth
Abe Lincoln, reincarnated: OK WHAT THE HELL
I think much faster than I speak, so anything you hear me say is probably from a couple years ago or so.
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Most of my trips into Home Depot are to fix something that I screwed up after my previous trip to Home Depot.
judge: are you the defendant?
me: haha yup, guilty as charged
my lawyer: *whispers in my ear*
me: um whats the policy on take backs here
Ok so my husband and I are mad at each other, and I just noticed on the grocery list he wrote “A Better Attitude”
Do I laugh or….?
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
me: [on the phone] mom can you come pick me up
boss: hey we’re in a meeting
me: [avoiding eye contact] because they’re being mean to me
I’m listening
For the orator and chef in all of us
If you’re ever lost in the woods and have a compass, the compass can help you be lost more north.
My work day –
8:00-11:30 – wonder what I’ll eat for lunch today
11:30 – 12:00 – eat lunch
12:00 – 4:30 – Damn lunch was good.
Policeman:”Sir, we have sufficient evidence to believe that this vehicle has been stolen.
Me: how
Policeman: Step out of the tank Sir
To err is human; to Air Bud is dog!!!!
Fun With Magnets: Monday Edition
The only thing I’ve learned from scary movies is to avoid pale children
Parenthood is mostly making sure your kids eat healthy but also occasionally giving them fast food so your liver stays healthy
*continues eating while receiving the Heimlich*
Her: omg are you crying over puppy videos?
Him: dammit woman, I’m the Headless Horseman, not the Heartless Horseman
agenda 4 today:
•shower
•cheerios
•shower-cheerios?
•”hike”
•Photograph a mountain lion
•get mauled by 2nd (hiding) mountain loin