6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
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“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
My toddler found a roll of quarters and is throwing money everywhere. Is she Scrooge Mcduck? Am I rich?
I’m not flirting with you. I’m just nice. Get over yourself.
Except you. You get under me.
[lying in bed]
Wife: He’s probably thinking of other women
ME: *Imagining eating dinner with Batman* It’s a cape AND a bib?!
This whole year with my family has given me whatever the opposite of Stockholm Syndrome is.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
[reviewing security cam footage to see what’s eating out of my trash at night] mother of god it’s me
Don’t give people who sneeze loudly the attention they crave.
a talented computer hacker can bring down any man, no matter how rich or powerful, by smashing him over the head with a brick
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
My daughter was one when my twins were born. At the store I had to put their car seats in the grocery cart while she sat in the top seat of the cart.
People would ask me “Where does the food go?” To which I’d always reply, “On my hips and thighs, like most women I know.”
I’ve started picking furniture up off the side of the road, restoring it, and then selling it on Facebook in order to finance my expensive new hobby, which is picking furniture up off the side of the road and then restoring it to sell on Facebook.
WIFE: we need to talk about your drinking habit
ME (wearing a nun outfit): why *sips scotch* what’s wrong with it?
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
Dry January. Only drinking dry martinis.
Eight out of ten married people agree that on your wedding day it’s bad luck to say “i Do.”
*Puts air guitar back in air case* “Listen if you wanted a “real guitarist” maybe you should put that in the ad!”
me: my friends:
Teaching my kids the true meaning of Easter by taking them to church and locking them in there for three days
As highly as it’s esteemed, the Mayo Clinic still sounds like the place sick sandwiches go to get better.
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 10 seconds” on YouTube*
*ad starts playing*
*looks up “how to disarm a bomb in 5 seconds”*
I woke up with a horse’s head in my bed. And straw. And the rest of the horse’s body. And cows. And a tractor. And this is a barn, I guess.
The best way to express your disagreement is by slapping people with a fish.
Sorry but why wasn’t Jesus suspicious when he got invited to the “Last Supper”
me when I see my crush
cop: got any drugs on you
me: nah
cop: how about in your car
me: well i wouldn’t be surprised [looks at car] it’s been acting funny lately
I could totally be a squirrel matador. Possibly.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
I’ll take ‘Liars’ for $500, Alex
“Sorry that’s not-”
Who is Karen?
“Sir-”
‘Cheaters’ for $1000
“Again that’s-”
*lips on mic* Who is Karen?
I named my two kids Madness and Sparta, and boy do I love introducing them to people