Wife: What’s with the bug spray?
Me: I can’t stand the little bloodsuckers.
Wife: You’re a vampire.
Me: I DON’T MAKE PEOPLE ITCHY, KAREN!
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Refrigerators are actually sentient beings, but we keep putting magnets on them, and erasing their memories.
I appreciate that the saleslady informed me I’d be more comfortable in a 36B cup size, but this is a Best Buy & I’m looking for humidifiers.
Rappers: we gonna see you in the club! Get down in the club! Party in the club!
Me: ok cool can’t wait
[is too embarrassed to ask ‘but which club though’]
“Yes, waiter, why does it say “there ain’t no rats in it” next to the lasagna?”:
Cause there ain’t no rats in it
“But why woul
AIN’T NO RATS
My grandpa didn’t leave me a gold watch or a large insurance policy, he left me something much more valuable which he wore proudly, his super expandable waist Thanksgiving eating pants.
Ten years ago I married my best friend. The vicar had awful eyesight and we were too polite to point out his mistake. All terribly British.
Put my back out twerking in the library again
HR: How do you think we can better handle this in the future?
ME [glaring at Cheryl, who took the last donut]: idk, maybe don’t hire Cheryl
I have a list of things I need reached That I’m handing the 1st tall person that comes to visit me.
I remember a story about a girl with a broken leg, and a boy who told her not to fight the pain but instead to gently ride its waves until she could actually see the pain far away beneath her, so she hit him with a rock.
I’ll never tell you, “I told you so.” But I will tell everybody you know that I did.
Me: am I pretty?
Cat: I mean compared to what?
Me: never mind
anytime I light a candle I immediately picture a firefighter explaining to my neighbors how it happened
Getting older is just one body part after another saying.
“Ha ha. you think that’s bad?
Watch this.”
If you encounter a bear in the wilderness, sing a Coldplay song. You’ll die, but the bear will suffer too.
“Mmm, tastes just like chicken!”
-My 6 year old eating a piece of chicken
When no one stars a tweet, I tell myself it was probably appreciated by hundreds of shy people.
eating lightbulbs and setting your own house ablaze are rare but serious side effects of this medication. contact your doctor if this occurs.
I told my boss that he needs to raise my salary because two companies are after me.
Boss: “What companies are those?”
Me: “The electricity company and the water company.”
Has anyone tried biting a zombie to see if they just turn back into people?
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
Tiny Son: Mommy, I can’t wait to be a ghost so I can see what’s inside of trees.
Once a marine, always a marine. Even if you’re now working at Subway. You’re a submarine.
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
When you recharge your toothbrush AND change the head on it at the same time……then forget you did it.
It’s cool. I’m pretty sure gums grow back.
A pub landlord walks into a stable. A horse says “what’s with the big fat tum-tum?” followed by “not nice, is it?”
I taught my son how to roll down a hill and then I taught some passerby’s how I clean puke off my son.
“May I have my surgery badge, Scout Master?”
“Um, there’s no such thing.”
“There was no such thing as a duck squirrel til now. Badge me!”
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
Noah was an idiot.