I’m wondering how far I can go with this guy on Hinge who seemingly has no idea we went on multiple dates last year. The sex definitely won’t ring any bells but meeting my brother again might.
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Meltdowns are what happens when you compartmentalize your thoughts, but forget to label them.
Protip: If friends ask you to watch their kids for them, answer with “sure, it’ll make a change from having to use binoculars” so they never ask again*.
*Even better tip: Don’t actually do that, though
Fun Fact:
The “eye roll” was created by Eve in the Garden of Eden within 15 min of her first conversation with Adam.
Me: So you want to see other people?
Him: I’m just getting glasses!
When you wish you could tell someone that won’t stop talking “Okay we’re out of time today” just like a therapist.
That curb was easily going 30 mph when it hit my car.
Time traveler from the past: *disgusted* You haven’t ended hunger or war or poverty but you have a phone in your pocket with a camera?
Me: No… it has two cameras.
Reporter: Is there anything you can do to make people hate you more?
Rodger Goodell: Coldplay is doing the Super Bowl halftime show.
If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:
iDied.
“I stalk people you’ve probably never heard of” -hipster stalker
I left Wyoming because I got tired of scrolling all the way down to find my state.
My neighbors act like they’ve never seen a grown man watering flowers in a speedo.
My kids are trying to decide what sign they want to put on their new bedroom door, and so far they’ve narrowed it down to:
boys only
boys rule
no girls except at bedtime
sometimes girls
[Getting back into van after museum heist]
Me: Hey guys did you know that Neanderthals buried their dead?
I SAID TEXT ME WHEN YOU GET HOME SAFE
Your fancy knocking pattern isn’t going to entice me into answering the door, either.
There must’ve been a good reason Zimmerman pulled a gun on his wife. Like, maybe she was walking down the street, minding her own business.
I’ve decided I want a sad funeral. None of this upbeat “celebration of life” shit. I want sobbing, ppl vomiting w grief, at least 2 suicides
True freaking story!
I saw a guy walking 4 dogs this morning and thought, Wow!.. That guy must be really blind.
Cops: THIS IS THE POLICE. COME OUT WITH YOUR HANDS UP.
Me: I can’t, my dog fell asleep on my lap.
Cops: AWWWW. OK WE’LL COME BACK LATER.
I accidentally hired a wordsmith instead of a locksmith and now my latched threshold has been compromised by a metallic puzzle solver.
Pregnant women go through a “nesting” phase where they make a tree fort out of twigs and parts of men they’ve killed.
Hillary: if we aren’t careful donald trump could be our next president. Let that sink in
Clinton Aide: *opens door*
Sink: sorry i’m late
SHEEP: okay you’re in charge of keeping the flock together
ME: what
SHEEP: you herd me
she’s a 10 but excel thinks she’s an October
Me: Can I dip my breadstick in your Alfredo sauce?
Him: Usually it’s me asking you that.
13YO: SHUT UP. STOP IT RIGHT NOW!
Excuse me, waiter, there is a spy in my soup. It fell out of the balloon in the sky.
What if aliens have already visited our planet, and made contact with the most intelligent species, and it’s just not us?
Deeply concerning if literal: Last Christmas I gave you my heart.