Turtle 911: Whats ur emergency?
Turtle: MY GIRLFRIEND JUST DISAPPEARED!
911: Have u tried looking in her house?
Turtle: oops never mind.
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I want to be a dog and have someone feed me treats for sitting down.
The cat hair really brings out the notes of fruit and cedar doesn’t it
– Me, if you’re drinking wine at my house
Guy sitting next to me on the airplane is eating his sandwich like a starved hyena and chunks of food keep landing on my leg….What’s the proper etiquette for this? I eat it right?!
if i got $5 every time i thought of u i would start thinking of u
“Do you want the latest dirt?”
-No, but I appreciate the sediment.
It’s so annoying when attractive people say they’re ugly just to get compliments from people, ugh if I weren’t so ugly I’d do the same thing
My sports team is better than your sports team!
“Is not!”
Is too!
“IS NOT!”
*pulls out giant foam finger*
Whoa man, be cool
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
It’s terrible when my husband “misplaces” his phone after forgetting to do the chores he promised to do. *giggle*
nurse: I’m pretty sure he’s dead
me: let’s find out
nurse: but he-
me: SWEET CAROLINE
nurse: what are u-
me: shhhhh
patient: [faintly] ba ba ba
me: nope
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
*plays Eye of the Tiger*
*starts runni…*
*yeah, screw this*
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
its that time of the year again, don’t forget to hang your missile toads
[Wedding Day]
FIANCÉE: omg it’s today!
ME: it’s always today, janet
me: no shoes in the house
murderer: sorry
How I flirt with my husband:
I’m about to go to Whole Foods, so don’t report a purchase of $275 for eggs and milk
a•c•q•u•a•i•n•t•a•n•c•e•s (tv show, sitcom): six peopel avoid grabbing a cup of coffee together for 10 years
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
There’s someone in our team who behaves horribly to me and whenever I have to type his name, I’ve taken to using a slightly smaller font size than for everyone else’s
*wife grabs my wrist as I go overboard*
Her: You’re… slipping…
Me: Pretend I’m the covers.
*she easily pulls me to safety with one arm*
Drew blood trying to take a sexy lip bite pic and now I’m on vampire twitter. So, bye, I guess.
I just don’t understand pedophiles, kids are SO annoying.
Guys, I hate to tell ya this, but applied tiger balm liberally this morning and I’m still not a tiger.
That awkward moment when you flirt with a guy whose staring at you in the Waffle House, but really he just died there with his eyes open…
“can i have your number?” bro i told you i got a bf like 530-294-2740 times
The number of STDs I can spell without autocorrect really bothers me.
fedex guy: here’s ur package
me: thanks
fedex guy: sign please
me: [blushing] Pisces
I take all my medical advice from the Uber Eats driver