Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
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Tier 3 meme
Me: What do you think of my tweets?
Wife: They’re all pretty terrible.
Me: Don’t you have ANYTHING positive to say?
Wife: You’re consistent.
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
There will always be a special place in my heart for my atrioventricular septum.
My uncle was sitting alone at the table & I said “sitting with all of your friends?” And he said “yeah having a good conversation with your boyfriend.” I love the holidays!!!
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Some people won’t try bacon for religious reasons. I won’t try religion for bacon reasons.
Suddenly all I own are skinny jeans.
Nice try, operating instructions. Nice try.
I’ve got this.
*grabs a hammer*
ME: *making lightsaber noises*
COWORKER: *in next urinal* you’re getting pee on my shoes.
You want me to be your daddy? Then close the damn door, we’re not heating the outside!
My 2 year old asked me for potato and kept getting mad at me when I gave her potatoes to eat.
It took a good 20 minute meltdown before I figured out that she calls play-doh potato.
Learning a new language has been hard for both of us.
Free him
Friend: Have you been using that gym membership card I gave you for Christmas?
Me: All the time! Just this morning I used it to scrape ice off my windows and yesterday I used it to cut a cake.
no matter how many times I drown my laundry, it keeps coming back.
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
Want healthy, youthful-looking skin? Follow this sure-fire daily routine:
1. Be young.
2.
3.
4.
5.
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
[In the bathroom]
Wife: I’m not going anywhere with you looking like that.
Me: Whata ya mean? Why? *looks in mirror straightens bowtie and tux*
W: We are just going to Walmart, not the Met Gala!
M: We live in an isolation world, essential shopping every 2 weeks is THE MET GALA!
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
Clicking the tongs twice before tossing my work laptop on the grill.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
If ur late to an appt, just tell them u had another one, but were on time to that one. That way they associate you with punctuality
I just wrote a $1500 check for a cow, like some kind of 1930s housewife.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
*at a rave*
“EXCUSE ME MISS, WOULD YOU LIKE TO DANCE?”
*45 minutes later*
“THIS IS A LONG SONG”
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*Hey baby, what’s your name?
“Robert”
Reports say 3 billion Yahoo accounts were hacked and suddenly 3 billion people remembered they had yahoo accounts.