me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
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There are 3 types of guys in this world
● 1) Handsome
● 2) Lucky
● 3) Me
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Publisher: it’s genuinely awful to spend time with your main character, no redeeming qualities whatsoever. can we change that?
Me: it’s my autobiography.
I use my imagination to solve problems.
And by imagination, I mean booze.
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My phone:
My hands: holding anything messy.
My phone: *ring*
THERAPIST: What do you wish for?
WIFE: That we become closer again & [smiles at me] focus on the important things
ME: For the dog to talk
My answer to most questions is an intelligible grunt, a flustered pointing motion, & a 3 hour nap.
I think one reason babies cry on planes is because flying sucks & babies aren’t liars like you & me.
Her : I wanna be held
Me : Accountable or Hostage?
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
Remembering this really good dating app interaction from Portugal
Good thing Brazil won…otherwise I’m pretty sure they would’ve just cancelled the rest of the World Cup.
He asked if I was flexible so I sent him a pic of my stretch marks
It’s kinda neat how every chick you reply to is into celibacy
People will say astrology is bullshit until they read their star sign is ‘mind blowing in bed and a great kisser’ then its 100 percent facts!
Nothing says “I don’t take you seriously” like your dog wagging his tail when you are yelling at him.
[asking a girl out on a date]
her: ok but only if you stop crying
[post-abduction]
ALIEN 1: Be not afraid, human. We will do you no harm
ME: Will I like Area 51 if I haven’t seen Area 1 to Area 50?
ALIEN 2: Let’s grab a different one
I think we all know that one person who seems to make it a daily goal to incorporate every color of the rainbow in their outfit.
Mugger: give me everything you got
Spice Girls: Oh tell me what you want what you really really want
Mugger: ok nevermind
WAITRESS: Would you like to try a quesadilla?
ME: I can barely eat one dilla, let alone a whole case.
*Standing in my shower*
I wasn’t being attacked, I was just really trying to hit that Mariah Carey note, officer.
Whenever I have to sign something to send back to my kid’s school, I always worry they’ll think she forged it even though I try to use my best “grown-up” penmanship.
wile e. coyote running off a cliff and not falling until he looks down except it’s me stopping for a second mid-sentence to think about what i’m saying
interviewer: why do you want to drive a bus
me: the big windshield wipers
My wife gives me the speaking treatment.
Exes really text you out of nowhere like bro didn’t you cheat on me
17 asked what the 80’s were like and i told her to sit in the middle of the front seat between me and her grandma.
Is the speed limit the same if you’re driving in reverse?