There is a button on my microwave that says “super clown” and I do not ever push that button
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me: *texting* I hate to leave this in a text, but due to the new variant, I’m not coming for the holidays
spouse: *walking in the room* Did you just leave me a text?
My husband picks fights with me like he doesn’t even value half of all his assets.
remember when we were little & we all thought we knew karate
HR: In the kitchen, you wrote “Say hello to my lil dough friends”
Me: They were donut holes
HR: You also wrote “I know it was you, free dough- you broke my heart”
Me: Yes. Am I in trouble?
HR: Of course not. We’d like to promote you from Janitor to VP Marketing
Thank you for contacting the abyss. Your scream is very important to us.
If I was a witch I would cast vague and subtle spells. So and so never gets to see a rainbow again. That type of stuff.
What
[Sitting down at a restaurant]
Ah yes, they’re all here. Salt, pepper, ketchup and mustard. All the ones we agreed on, forever, as god intended. Two powders, two goos.
So everyone in Boston got together and decided you can stop telling us to “be safe.” We figured that part out after shit started exploding.
If it turns cold one more time I’m gonna put the Christmas tree back up
Gonna show my mom this article when she tries to wake me up early every day this week
Happy anniversary to the almond at the bottom of my purse.
there aren’t many things that sound as unpleasant as a high school reunion
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
my roommate is terrible at remembering lyrics and is currently in the shower singing “something something armadillo, something something armadillo, something something armadillo, armadillo suitcase, we didn’t start the fire-“
Me to 8: Please stop growing bigger
8: YOU stop growing bigger
And just like that, a sweet moment was ruined
When a raccoon stands up and cracks his knuckles, stop shaving him immediately.
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.
Pronouns:
He
She
It
You
We
TheyAmateurnouns:
Whoozits
Whatsername
Thingamajig
*vague pointing*
Whatchamacallit
Dudes
Finally a chicken taxidermy curiosity for the rest of us!
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
The kids are out of town, so I buy things from Ikea because I’m used to having my patience tested.
If you didn’t wanna hear “Baby smell is biology preventing the mom from eating it,” you shouldn’t have invited me to the baby shower, Carol!
I mean I’m not getting anywhere by just sitting on it
Panda: am I too pudgy?
God: I have a better question.
Panda: ok.
God: what’s black and white and red all over?
Panda: I don’t know.
God: it’s you.
Panda: b-but I’m not red.
God: [leans in] you’re perfect just the way you are.
Panda: [blushing].
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Me: If I had a superpower, what would it be?
6YO: Being nice. Not yelling.
Me: Really?
6YO: Oh, I thought it was like which ones did you need.
Me:*opens mouth*
Husband: Don’t. You’re the adult.
Camping?
No thank you.If I wanted to sleep outside I wouldn’t pay my mortgage.
Just been on a date with a dentist. It went well and she says she’d like to see me again in six months.
If the name of a show is just some guy’s name you know its about a killer.
E.g. Dexter, Barry, Arthur