Meatloaf wouldn’t have looked so winded if he’d just named the one thing he won’t do, instead of listing everything he would.
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cats can’t give you covid but they would if they could
Stop telling men beards alone will make women love them when everyone knows they need to play the guitar too.
I hate when my foot falls asleep and I have to kick a coworker in the face to wake it up.
God: So I was, all, what if there was a fish made of jelly? Like, jelly but alive and in the sea? LOL
[angels look nervously at one another]
wait whoa when did the bermuda triangle stop eating boats
Your script should feel like a movie. That’s why, before I write FADE IN:, I include six pages of production company logos.
KIM JONG UN: I am the angriest craziest most unstable leader in the world and I have the worst haircut
DONALD TRUMP: hold my beer
Every time I swallow food coloring, I dye a little bit on the inside.
Thanks for pointing out that I misspelled a word that I completely made up.
I stand incorrected.
It has come to my attention that some of you don’t know my English teacher in high school was my own father, on the first day of classes he said “I want you all to know I’m only sleeping with one (1) of your mothers” this is my villain origin story
Here’s a question for all the mind readers out there.
centaur: I broke my arm
doctor: it’s okay I can fix it
centaur: I broke my leg too
doctor: *cocks rifle*
Say it with flowers.
If that doesn’t work, say it with arson.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
A couple in Halifax got married during hurricane Fiona. The bouquet toss lasted a few hours but eventually someone caught it in Moncton.
LADY: this spaghetti is a little overdone
SERVER: you’re a DOG
the first thing you learn to draw in art school is money from your parents bank account
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
You say potato, I say get the hell out of my bathroom
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No, you hang up”
No, you hang up.
“No you hang up”*slams phone*
Why do I keep calling that parrot?!
A required corporate training course said to build strong relationships.
Also, HR told me it’s “inappropriate” to kiss strangers.
Anything is ‘bite size’ if your mouth is big enough.
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
thinking about how the Starbucks mermaid is slowly, but surely, getting closer, and we cannot stop her
a pez dispenser but for teeny tiny eclairs
who called it oktoberfest instead of septembeer?
The news keeps updating everyone on the Queen’s coffin’s location like it’s a package we can’t wait to get in the mail.
wonder why hedge mazes fell out of fashion? we need to get to the centre of this issue.
Wife: The zoo called
Me: [wearing hat made out of live lemurs] they say what they want?