[at a fall festival]
Him: you look gourdgeous
Me: *roll my eyes and grab my keys to go*
Him: please don’t leaf
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[walking quickly past the old lady I just held the door open for] this doesn’t mean you can order before me
Them: What’s the hardest thing you’ve ever had to say to someone?
Me: Probably… Saskatchewan
Them: …
Me: or Worcestershire
When I was 8, I was so inspired by Barney Miller that I went door to door in a trenchcoat handing out JJ Piggs, Kid Detective, business cards I made out of scrap paper.
I must have written down the wrong number though because no one ever called me.
If a huge beast told me not to go in one hallway of his extremely haunted house I’d be like “that sounds right” and never go there. But no one wants to sing about that. No candles want to sing about common sense.
Me: Can you believe someone on Facebook is trying to sell a bucket of old screws?
Husband:
Me:
Husband: How much?
Yo. I spit out my drink 😂
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
Based on 2020 thus far, I’m expecting the flying monkeys of Oz to show up any time now.
Experts say that human interaction is important for brain health but I’m willing to risk it.
I’m tired of people asking how I wrecked my car. That’s just the way it looks.
Date etiquette: The smaller fork is a salad fork. Use the larger fork to eat the salad fork.
good friend is late 20s. in shape, has £10,000 a year, lives in a fine house with some of the finest woods in the country. but he’s consistently ghosted, ignored, or told “you’re the last man in the world i could be prevailed upon to marry.” modern women are broken.
Let he who is without sin, get the hell away from me.
how long are you supposed to age potato salad in the sun?
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
Godspeed to the gal in front of me at the pharmacy getting a Plan B, at-home COVID test, and two Red Bulls.
Me: I want to come back as ghost and haunt you.
Her: Oh no.
Me: I’ll make weird noises in the night.
Her: You already do that.
COACH: You miss 100% of the shots you take.
ME: You mean, don’t take?
COACH: No. You are, by far, the worst athlete I have ever seen.
It’s like you don’t even WANT me to break into your house and cook you a delicious breakfast.
My kids don’t like going to bed because they think exciting things happen after they’re gone.
Little do they know them going to bed is the exciting thing.
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
[plane]
“Is there a doctor on board?”
Im a doctor
“Okay quick the passenger is having a heart att-
Of fine arts
“What?”
Doctor of Fine Arts
The “Slow Children Playing” signs always make me sad. Would it cost that much more to thrown in punctuation?
Well tonight’s date night for me and the wife
I certainly hope we don’t run into each other
Today I was asked why we should bother paying interns if they’re “getting experience for their résumé.”
Here’s what we have say about that:
*stares off into the distance*
Distance: I have a boyfriend
I’m at my most cat-like when I’m starting a roll of toilet paper.
I will always be there for you, like a long term side effect.
10: Mom what’s a metaphor?
Me: My life is a train wreck.
10: I know Mom, but what is a metaphor?