If Kim delivered food is she a Doordashian?
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I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Cops: put your hands where we can see them
Invisible man:
When parents say to kids “go to ur room & think about what you’ve done” it’s really good practice for what you’ll do every night as an adult
I just left a court docket with 47 cases. I was number 4 and 43. The judge took the bench and took one look at me with my Kleenex and hacking cough and said, “Patient zero, YOU will be going first.”
Never has looking like complete crap made me so happy.
Kangaroo 911: What’s your emergency?
Kangaroo: I CAN’T FIND MY CHILDREN
Kangaroo 911: Did you check your pockets?
Kangaroo: Oh nevermind
[300 ferrets arrive at funfair]
“You sure about this?”
“I swear to fucken God, dude said there’s a 250ft ferrets wheel here somewhere.”
Therapist: What’s your earliest memory?
Me: Crying to my mom when I couldn’t find my shoes
Therapist: So around what, five?
Me: Seven this morning
The Hello Kitty exorcism kit includes my gullibility for being duped into buying her cute products again.
Check your privilege
How To Write: get as distracted as possible for as long as possible until you are driven to start typing by an overpowering sense of shame.
I bet that new show goes through dragon handlers pretty quickly.
EXPLORER 1: *looking at ancient symbols in pyramid* It says “Here lies updog”
EXPLORER 2: What’s updog?
EGYPTIAN SPIRITS: Lol
Once saw a mortgage application where a guy put his job description as “self employed street pharmacist”
I think about that a lot
*Puts on Kool-aid guy pitcher costume outside of a bank*
Friend: This isn’t going to work.
Me: Bank vault here I come. *Charges at wall*
I wonder if BBQ thinks about me too.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
I bet cats are pissed they can’t sit on televisions anymore.
houseguest: is this a pull out couch
me: no we kind of just hope for the best
Let’s face facts, we all secretly suspected civilisation was just a phase.
The word “hello” only became common in 1827 and I like to imagine a glorious era before that when everyone just ignored each other
The other guy on this cliff screaming at the sky just threw his wedding ring over which makes me feel less bad about losing my kite.
Husband out of the room for a minute asked me about something I saw on the news but I didn’t know the answer bc I was listening but I wasn’t like science listening.
I took my 8-year-old to the office on Take Your Child to Work Day. As we were walking around, she starting crying & getting very cranky, so I asked her what was wrong. As my coworkers gathered round, she sobbed, ‘Daddy, where are all the clowns that you said you worked with?’ 🤣
My glasses are dirty but I don’t want to move from the couch so I guess TV’s blurry from now on
[using ouija board]
Why isn’t he responding to us? I’m annoyed
H I A N N O Y E D I M D A D
I am a wild, sexually-charged woman in my prime. I know exactly what my body needs & just how to get it.
*goes to bed at 5pm*
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
*puts down window
Officer: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Yes
*puts up window and drives away
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.