“This is why I hate fancy restaurants, I can never pronounce anything on the menu”
-me, drunk, holding the Waffle House menu upside down
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what if mayonnaise was like peanut butter and either creamy or crunchy
In my teens: I won’t wear a jacket because they’re not cool.
In my 30’s: I will bring this blanket into the restaurant and be the coziest.
Welcome to your fifties, you take the elevator instead of the stairs now and you still pull a muscle.
When you’re single and decide to go out for dinner on Valentine’s Day.
[Abruptly stops playing my banjo] Oh the intervention is for ME??
Bees disappearing is worrisome because of the environment but also there’s the possibility of invisible bees.
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
riding my roomba around the house dropping crumbs and tiny pieces of shit in front of it in the direction i wanna go
Ever look at your frequently used emojis and realize that your two moods are drunk and circus tents?
Me: I like naughty girls
Baby daughter: *pukes on the floor*
Me: Not you
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
I asked my boyfriend what he wanted for his birthday and he said 20 dollars
If I ever become a super hero, my origin story will involve a sourdough starter mishap.
Apparently the g-spot is located in a $1700 pair of Christian Louboutins.
Not everyone understands my laundry method. It’s simple. If it’s clean, it’s on the floor. If it’s dirty, it’s on the floor over there.
If my kids ask, the monster under the bed can only find you if you didn’t brush your teeth
Me: I’m totally getting used to this
Husband: getting used to what?
Me: you know not doing my hair, and stuff
Husband: again getting used to what?
[Silence]
Me: I hate you
I wish whitening toothpaste got my teeth as white as the places I drop it on my shirts.
I came home to find that my son had installed the air conditioner in his bedroom window.
I told him, “You did a good job, but it’s actually supposed to go in like this.”
I then proceeded to drop his air conditioner out of the 2nd story window.
There is no moral to this story.
I bought and named a star after you.
If you look to the west on a clear night you will see Sociopath.
Netflix and oh great my wife is asleep already.
my neighbor just told me about an alien sighting he had that was just a regular southwest boeing 737 in the sky but he said he could see into the cockpit with binoculars and there was an alien flying it
I’m over here watching #Dateline alone, with all the doors unlocked, lighting up the room.
Me (filled with pride): Do you like the stew?
11 (mockingly): Yeah Dad. You’re a souper hero.
He’s already better than me at puns.
“I’ve fallen and I can’t get up” seems like a great slogan for tequila
After ten true crime podcasts you start to think you could probably solve a murder. After a hundred you start to think you could probably get away with one.
If you watch “The Empire Strikes Back” backwards it’s about a kid so traumatized to learn his dad’s identity he starts hitting on his sister
Hypnotist: you’re getting very sleepy
Me, at any hour of the day: how did you know?
Why no, Google Maps, I don’t want to save 4 minutes on my trip by driving through the Mines of Moria, but thank you very much for asking.
her: this isn’t going to work out
me: [mouthful of mashed potatoes] ith id bu-
her: yes it’s because of the mashed potatoes