PITCHER: *throws a ball*
UMPIRE: Ball four. Walk!
AUDIENCE (who are dogs): *goes apeshit*
You Might Also Like
me: truth or dare
government: truth
me: is Wyoming real
government: dare
ROBIN: sorry batman I put a huge dent in the batmobile
HARVEY: *from passenger seat* wow i’m on a diet ok
BATMAN: Thanks for filling in while Robin is away.
MOTHMAN: *Just repeatedly flying into the bat signal*
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
Hear me, oh spirits of earth, wind, and fire. I call upon you to unleash a boogie wonderland.
[job interview]
Look. First, you give me a job. Then I get paid. THEN I’ll be able to buy pants. I can’t just skip ahead to the last step.
ME: I quit texting and driving after the accident.
HER: Were you hurt?
[flashback to 12 hot dogs rolling off the dashboard]
ME: So hurt.
THE INVENTOR OF KUNG FU FIGHTING: what if I told you that you could be fast as lightning and just a little bit frightening
Got thrown out of another poetry reading for shouting “oooh naughty” every time someone used a metaphor for sex
I just made way too much pasta, so if you haven’t eaten dinner yet, swing by and watch me eat way too much pasta.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
Hey, remember me from last night? You gave me the wrong number but I found you on Facebook. I’m on your porch. Can I come in?
Over 40 means you go to the bathroom one more time “for good measure”.
🍛
[first date]
Her: I like my steak rare
Him: *trying to impress* I’ll order for both of us. 2 panda fillets please.
Survival Tip: When flipping off your wife behind her back…
Make sure she’s not standing in front of a mirror.
If I could meet any celebrity it might have to be David Schwimmer. In a schwimming pool. Learning how to schwim.
They need to make a dating App. For couples who have that “3rd wheel” best friend.
It would be like a 3rd party Tinder with 2 References.
Walked past our fish bowl and the water bounced like that cup in Jurassic Park. Now I feel both insulted and all powerful.
Waking up and having 3 hours before my alarm goes off: *sleeps*
Waking up and having 3 minutes before my alarm goes off: *SLEEPS FASTER*
Ain’t No Sunshine When She’s Gone(Absence of special lady creates cataclysmic world ending event)
Him: Why do you always need the last word?
Me: I don’t.
Him:
Me: I don’t really.
Him:
Me: I don’t! And that’s final.
Him:
Your honor let the records indicate my client was upsexy
Judge: what’s upsexy?
[lawyer whispers to defendant] quick, this is your chance
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
putting a tray of fancy snacks on the roomba and pretending i have a small idiot butler
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Here’s a poem in the shape of a Christmas tree. It’s called ‘Needles’.
My kid upon learning his actual name is Charles and not Charlie