{asks friend for help with a draft}
*two minutes later*
‘I’d love to help you, but I honestly have no idea where your thought process is taking us here’Me: “It’s fine, really
…..it’s not you, it’s me!”
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{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside. ok back to you, Fronk
Trail Mix should just be called “Dig around until you find the M&M’s”
If you force me to attend weekly Teams staff meetings AND have my camera on then you’ll just have to tolerate my flossing.
Doctor: What’s the problem?
Liam Neeson: Unknown
Doctor: Does it hurt?
Liam Neeson: Non-stop
Doctor: Are you on painkillers?
Liam Neeson: Taken two
Doctor: Are you just listing your films?
Liam Neeson: Batman Begins
My 6yo asked me if she’s gonna have pubic hair one day and when I told her yes she said, “well, I award THAT zero points.” Today she awarded cheese 100 points. This is the only scale I’ll be using from now on.
The ex says he’s come into some money and can finally “take care” of me. Wait…he’s gonna have me killed isn’t he?
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
They sent a cardboard detective to investigate.
I think it broke my bf’s heart when I said he couldn’t have Salma Hayek for Valentine’s Day.
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
My ex wife has the only copy of our wedding video, can’t see myself getting married again.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
He’s so proud of his work! 🤣
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
There’s a 99.9% chance that no one on twitter is your soulmate. There’s also a 99.9% chance your spouse agrees.
My kid keeps talking about his preschool “road trip” and I’m not sure a visit to an apple orchard has ever been described in that way
Therapist: what’s your biggest issue with your husband?
Wife: he gives me no privacy
Me: [tapping on window from outside] that’s not true
Jesus: a 13th disciple? I don’t recall having seen you before, my friend
Disciple: I’m not a duck disguised as a man, if that’s what you’re thinking. Now tell me more about your body being made of bread
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
A local business in my town has an open carry discount. As in, you show them a gun to save money. Doesn’t that discount apply everywhere?
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
They say guys who drive tiny sports cars are trying to over-compensate…
*walks up to guy in minivan*
“Sup?”
Yes I did run that bus full of children off the road but I was late for my LARPING championship.
Me: Thanks for helping me move.
The Rock: No problem. Hey let me grab this box-
Me: NO, DON’T! IT’S FULL OF-
[The Rock gets crushed]
-paper…
9y/o~poking finger on my face.
Me(yelling)~dont touch me with your finger
Later~glad he got loophole now what to do with a foot on my face
In the 17th century, villagers would burn down entire neighborhoods to combat diseases such as bubonic plague, typhus, and gluten.
Hurt my back in a pretty bad helicopter accident.
At my age, I really need to stretch before trying to move my hips like that.