Not to brag but I don’t even need meditation, my mind goes blank the second someone asks me for directions.
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If Superman were a realtor, he could describe literally any apartment in the world as ‘a stone’s throw from the beach’.
If I am picking up lunch and bringing it back to work for you, please expect at least half of your fries to be gone.
Me: Look! I took the giant box that the t.v. came in & made it into a really cool cat house!
Mom: So you’re still not dating anyone, I see.
These boots were made for walking, and that’s just what they’ll do. One of these day–oh goddamn it. Did you glue these to the floor, Carl?!
[meeting girlfriend’s dad]
Me: nice to meet you, Mr. Phillips
Him: Dr, I have a PhD
Me: oh, nice to meet you Dr. Phdillips
Forget what you’re wearing, the song stuck in your head when you die is the song stuck in your ghost’s head for eternity
Am I capable of premeditated murder?
Your honor, I’ve been planning my cheat day for two weeks.
*Bursts into bank*
Robber: THIS IS A ROBBERY. HANDS UP. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
Bank clerk: No that’s clearly a shotgun
2nd robber: OOOH SNAP!
Daniel slept in a lions den
Peter slept in a prison
Jesus slept in a stormNo matter the circumstance, you can always take a nap.
If a really late person marries a really early person they’ll produce an on time child. In theory.
If I stop talking to someone, I don’t delete them from my phone, I just change their contact info to Scam Likely
my boss: Your emails are full of spelling errors. Please watch that
me: not today santa
Cargo pants imply the existence of passenger pants.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
8-year-old: I upgraded my blanket fort.
Me: It looks the same as before.
8: I added more snacks.
Finally, some meaningful renovations.
my wife’s friend is so pissed i made fun of his lazy eye he’s having a hard time even looking at me
Video games have given me an unrealistic expectation of how easy it should have been to get sneakers on a hedgehog.
*filling plastic bags with electricity for my Tesla*
Interviewer: How many words can you type a minute?
Me: Given a full minute I could probably type any word
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
[interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”Superman: Seriously?
Thanks for warning me to be careful after I slipped & fell. I’ll be sure to wish you luck on your lab test results at your funeral.
Fails drug test.
Adds “Positive” Person to résumé.
Me: Can I have a gin and tonic?
Them: Sir, this is an elementary school party.
Me: Fine. MAY I have a gin and tonic?
i never would have bought this abandoned lighthouse if i knew that the city wouldn’t let me drop watermelons from the top
I wish I had the self-confidence of people on Twitter who threaten to unfollow others unless their demands are met.
I carry a bar of soap in my pocket so when someone tries to talk to me I can pull it out and say someone is paging me and leave.
I’m so glad we have a house full of toys for me to trip over so my child can run around happily clutching an old dvd
Not having any friends means I’m always the pretty one.
[girl’s night out]
WIFE: I’m off then
ME: Okay
WIFE: Don’t do anything obtuse
ME: Pfft – give me a break!
{5 min later}
ME *googling obtuse*