BRAAAAAIDS
-zombie sleepover
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Wearing a seashell necklace is a great way to let everyone know how cool you were in 1996.
*brings laser pointer to the “Cats” movie*
Ghost: Death is coming for you
Me: Omg my husband is gonna be so jealous
I was indifferent to Top Gun: Maverick, but I’m seeing so much good buzz about it that right now I’m going to drop everything and totally watch it on basic cable in a couple of years.
I knew my kid inherited my artistic abilities back when she drew that cute little pig. She called it a dog, but whatever.
My kid at 8am: Mommy!
Me: Yes, my love?My kid at 8pm: Mommy!
Me: WHAAATTTTTTTTTTTTTT NOWWWWW?!
A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
I had a Russian Uber driver the other day.
His name was Pikup Andropov.
My youngest has confused “vegan” with “cannibal” and we just discovered this today.
A lot of conversations that we had this past week are making more sense now.
Also, her adamant refusal to eat a slice of vegan cake.
Women love a man who will look at them like nothing else matters, except for when you’re doing it through their bedroom window, apparently.
ME: Ask me what the three most important things about egg storage are
WIFE: No. You’re just going to say something stupid
ME: I promise I won’t…Just ask me
WIFE: Okay, fine. What are the three most important things about egg stor-
ME: Yokation, yokation, yokation.
My 3yo asked me for breakfast. I told her to ask her dad. She said her dad couldn’t because he had no shirt. It was fun watching her reaction as she realized I had no pants. My 3yo trying to decide wether no pants, or no shirt should give her breakfast was amazing.
I won’t apologize for ripping my fridge open like a Disney Princess and a pair of French doors.
What did u do last night?
Me: I drowned my swallows in whiskey
Don’t u mean sorrows?
Me [covering tub of dead birds]: is that the saying?
Tonight’s Golden Globes taught us that, no matter how much you spend on surgery, nobody looks good while sweaty.
¯_(ツ)_/¯
I think my new neighbors are creeps. They seem to be looking into my window every time I’m looking out my window to see what they are doing.
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
*Riding around with my Abraham Lincoln clone*
Lincoln: *spots a “Children At Play” sign* WE HAVE TO SAVE THEM
my kids just finished a game of monopoly without fighting. they’re playing it wrong.
Enjoy this video of ducks changing their minds
Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
Why are there no horror movies about astronauts dealing with a werewolf on the moon? It’s such a perfect setup.
The age at which you can no longer comfortably sit in bleachers for extended periods of time will correspond directly to the age at which your kid’s sport will require you to.
Please pray for my 9 year old who will apparently need surgery to remove a bandaid.
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
[answers batphone] Hi, thanks for calling the batcave. This batcall may be batmonitored or batrecorded for batquality batassurance batpurposes
cat owners seriously come into work covered in scratches like “he’s just playful” no ma’am you’re in love with a wildebeest
Him: I don’t think we should drink while we do yard work anymore
Me: *powerwashing the lawn* why not
Me: This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bust. I feel like an old lady.
Him: Maybe it’s because you use words like “bust.”
Me: Ok. This swimsuit does nothing to flatter my bosom.