Summer is the perfect time to collect shells on the beach. The 20 gauge ones are especially pretty, although you can’t beat a good 45 mm.
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If Violets were Orange, poetry would be a lot more challenging.
me: [deadlifting 200 lbs]
mortician: sir
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
One thing I learned in my 20s is if a landlord or real estate agent tells you an apartment has character, they mean roaches
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
“This just in..”
My foot to my mouth.
My emotional support pig is now my therapy bacon.
If you can’t get your baby to stop crying, try vacuuming. Then you can’t hear your baby crying and your floors will be clean.
I’ve got 2 brilliant plans to help me retire early. Plan A is to win the lottery tonight & if that fails plan B is to win the lottery tomorrow. Should be a piece of piss.
[Takes out scrunchie and shakes out my slicked back ponytail] Take the mugshot again.
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
Satan: And this is the TV room.
Me: This isn’t so bad. *turns on TV*
*only thing showing is golf*
Any bird can be a woodpecker if it’s stupid enough
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Guy in the dressing room next to mine: “I don’t want to get blood on these pants.” I want to reply, “Then stay out of my way on the catwalk”
Fact: The best tuna fish salad recipe is the combination of ingredients that best covers up the taste of the tuna.
I replaced the bulb in my refrigerator with a tanning bulb… that way if I ever get fat, at least I’ll have nice color.
“Sorry I was skeptical about your cough.”
-my new line of Get Well cards
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
Remember kids, if you’re driving in the snow and start skidding, turn into the direction of the cheapest car.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Startle and amuse your cat by replacing its kitty litter with Poprocks. (Ladies: feel free to share this idea on your pinny website thing.)
So many people recognized me with my mask on that I had to cross Bank Robber off my list of career options
Just broke my very own personal record of most consecutive days without dying.
In a parallel universe somewhere, Bruno Mars is listening to the radio & he’s sick of me being on every channel.
And your jalapeños, are they poppered in house?