A vegan said to me that people who sell meat are disgusting.
I answered that people who sell fruits & veg’s are grocer.
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In bed a woman called me daddy so I called her son
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
I don’t understand people who “get ready for bed”.
I’m always ready for bed.
[God creating cheesecake]
GOD: [stuffing his face] oh man this is so good
ANGEL: shouldn’t u share it?
GOD: [creates lactose intolerance]
*seductively feeding you chicken wings while you hit on a hot chick
“I’m sorry, I really don’t know what a wingman is supposed to do.”
we got a new bathroom accessory and now the toilet is amazed when I pee
Don’t be silly of course I know how to make French toast. *cracks egg into toaster*
The nicest piece of exercise equipment I own is a stationary bike. It’s actually a regular bike, but it never moves because I don’t ride it.
If you’re ever hiking in the woods and you get lost, just look up and find the brightest star in the sky and you’ll know which way space is.
Quick new parent question at what age do you let your new baby start sleeping indoors?
Almost 15 years ago my son was born and you find yourself picturing things they might do in there lives. In that moment, I knew that one day I’d be at high school football game on Friday night watching him.
15 years later and I’m here. Watching him play the tuba at halftime.
English is a strange language. Extraordinary should mean something that is exceptionally ordinary. Noisome should be a thing that is noisy. And of course a humanitarian should eat humans.
We were so high at the movies that I tried find my seatbelt and my friend helped me look for it.
Death: I’ve come for you.
Me: That’s what she said.
D (bursts out laughing): You get me with that one every time! Ok, see ya.
Dentist: Don’t eat or drink for…
Me: *already eating a snack before she finishes her sentence*
Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
[walking around still disappointed 6 hours after visiting an aquarium]
wife: what did you think a tiger shark was, brent
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
i think i blew my interview with that tech company when i said my biggest weakness was eating the free snacks
It’s called a “Monte Cristo” sandwich because one day it will return disguised as another sandwich & seek its revenge
I keep my bouncy castle in my basement so I don’t get blown away.
Overheard my girls discussing how they each want 6 kids someday and “Mom will help!” so this is when I start planning my future island bartending life.
Me: We have communication issues, trust issues and she’s passive aggressive
*Therapist slowly turns to the other chair and looks at the GPS*
me: i dont want any kids
person: *low chuckle* oh, you’ll change your mind.
me: *grabs them by collar* tell me more about the future, wizard
I’ve started replacing “yes” with “sure as Kilimanjaro rises like Olympus above the Serengeti.”
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
Not sure where your kids are? Make a phone call. They’ll be in your face in no time.
Classified ad:
Hunter seeks gatherer for nasty, brutish and short relationship. No weirdos.