Black Friday deals but at the pharmacy
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I DO NOT recommend a talking scale.
My scale: I thought you were on a diet.
when you and your sibling have to pretend to like each other long enough for mom to take the picture
My dentist says it’s ok to open stuff with your teeth and that flossing is “the next big scam.” He’s at my house today for a surprise checkup/to ask if he can park a car in my backyard for a few weeks “until the heat dies down.” His rates are very affordable.
therapist: describe this picture
me: that’s my father yelling at me
therapist: and this one
me: you having sex with my wife
therapist: and this one
me: aren’t these normally ink blots
3yo: play it again!
Me: I can’t, baby
*3yo throws epic fit*
Radio, you’re tearing this family apart.
being a grandma is the perfect cover for being a serial killer. no other type of person can comfortably explain 12 envelopes containing curls of human hair tied together with ribbons
We need a dna profiling service for what kind of hats a person can pull off credibly
Me: Tel the doctor I’m coughing up a lung and need to be seen ASAP.
Medical Clerk: That’s awful, hun. How about a month from Monday.
Wait unicorns aren’t real?
Are you saying that I made out with a regular horse?
When I used to drink, by this time on a weekend y’all would’ve already seen me mostly naked. Y’all should be especially thankful for my sobriety.
Wife: You wouldn’t believe the day-
*puts TV remote to my ear*
Hello? Hey Bob-
[hand covering remote]
-sorry honey, I have to take this.
A 6-month wait when filing for divorce, but only a 15-day wait when buying a gun. I think the solution for relationship problems is clear.
*demon enters my body
*20 minutes later, demon calls an exorcist
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but throwing a haunted doll in the trash won’t stop it from coming back
“Mushrooms taste like the skeletons of strawberries” and other strange things my 4yo says
Him: I’m gonna throw you over my shoulder, carry you into the bedroom, toss you onto the bed, and have my way with you…
Me: Ok but on the way to the bedroom, can we swing by the fridge?
These people on Hoarders knew a camera crew was coming. You’d think they’d tidy up a bit.
I think my life would have turned out differently had I forwarded those chain letters in the 80’s.
Waiter: can I take your order?
Me: [clutching my Amazon package] you most certainly CANNOT
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
I have caller ID for the front door.
If you don’t call me first, I am NOT answering the door.
Me: *spits soup into bucket*
Chef: This isn’t that kind of tasting.
Been on 3 dates now with this girl who works in the zoo. I think she’s a keeper
I’m sorry…what?
Finished the cable concealer project. Finally my wife will be so proud of me
Having teenage boys over for the weekend is a great way to clean out the kitchen. It’s like hiring goats to mow the lawn.
Wrapping presents takes a LOT longer when your kid sneaks up behind you & cuts off your arm with an empty wrapping paper tube lightsaber.
This LSD may be taking a turn, but I think this pony rabbit is a piece of shit insurance salesman.
Doctor: well, we lost him
Widow: *sobbing*
Me as a nurse: *whispering* guys he’s right there
(Standing next to pool with a golf club and horse)
Friends: Are you sure you’ve played water polo before?