Everyone on earth: I’m terrible with names.
Me: Hi guys!
Everyone on earth: Oh, hi darren!
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While we’re all distracted by AI and the fear of a robot uprising, the real enemy is quietly gathering its forces.
Jesus: man shall not live by bread alone
Me: *mouthful of cheese* halleluryurrr
*gets stabbed and looted by mugger*
me: “oh yeah just leave like everyone else does”
me: orders ice cream from grubhub
driver: makes 12 stops before my house
Me: I haven’t been able to keep the house clean for 10 years
My 10 year old: Hey that’s how old I am
Me: What a coincidence
Someone stole my identity. And then sent it back with $100 and a note that said “So sorry man. Hope things work out.”
taking cats to the vet is hard because you can’t lie and be like, “we are going to the park!” since they don’t want to go there either.
*wears something low cut to my colonoscopy*
INTERVIEWER: Your greatest weakness?
ME: I’m told my laugh is sinister.
INTERVIEWER: Lol. That can’t be true.
ME: Mwahahaha. I know, right.
Getting married soon just need a spouse
I have alopecia. I don’t wear a wig at work because it’s a very physical job. I was in the washroom and a customer with children were washing their hands. One child pointed at me and EXCLAIMED
“Mommy is that a boy or a girl?”
So I barked.
🤷🏼♀️
a ‘suggested’ serving size of chips seems to have been calculated by someone who has never eaten a chip
[Infomercial]
HOST: Wanna learn how to lose up to 15 pounds with one simple trick?!?
AUDIENCE: Yes!
HOST: Here’s how! *rips off his own arm*
I live in fear that my death will somehow be connected to the opening of a pressurized Pillsbury cinnamon roll container.
I can’t figure out if this is my 2 year old daughter’s dress or one of my wife’s shirts. One of them is a slut though. That’s for sure.
Adding oatmeal to your bath soap doesn’t make it taste any better
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
*turns up to a yoga class in full Master Yoda costume*
“Oh dear. Misread the flyer, I have.”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: On the sitcom Friends, how come the only couch at the coffee shop was always available for them?
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
6: Dad what’s a Kardashian?
Me: Nobody really knows…
6: Sounds really stupid
Me: I love you
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I love how we have a big tv so my 3 kids can crowd around the tiny iPad and argue over not being able to see.
[Being murdered]
(with every stab, i move my body so that the murderer strikes acupuncture points which, to his dismay, makes me feel great)
[being murdered]
Two Murderers: *trying to kill me at the same time but their stabs cancel out*
Me: *becomes even more alive*
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
Wait…the “S” in ASAP doesn’t stand for “Slowly?”
Shit.
This has cost me 27, maybe 28 jobs.
I hate it when I forget my password and the security questions make me relive my entire childhood.