everyone freaking out thinking the robot apocalypse is coming bc the google AI is sentient and it’s like okay? just add it to the apocalypse pile who cares
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15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
[Me being beaten to death w/ can of frozen veggies]
“Oh peas no!”
[WHAP]
“Why u bean like this?”
[SMACK]
“Don’t u carrot all?”
[CRACK]
My kid spends so much time at the nurse’s office she now has a medical degree.
If you die* in your dream, you die* in real life.
*pee
Just a friendly reminder!
mom: are u coming to ur uncle’s funeral
my brain: grant, be careful
me: sorry, I can’t make it
brain: careful
me: because
brain: easy
me: my uncle died
brain: oh ffs
Can you imagine getting the girl of dream’s phone number and her first text to you she spells it “defantely”
why aren’t GMOs called faking an organism
waiter: what’ll it be?
cow: grass
horse: grass
sheep: grass
pig: *adjusting his bowtie* truffles
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
i just want world peace. and pop tarts to be fully frosted.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
[pulls away from kissing] do you ever pretend nfl players with dreadlocks swinging around under their helmets are predators
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
There are approximately zero ways to chase paper in the wind without looking like the village idiot
My 9 yo talked us into buying him a tracksuit this year. He looks like he’s well on his way to coaching an Olympic skier or arguing over the price of grapes at the supermarket
WHY ARE WE ALLOCATING EMERGENCY AID FOR THE ARTS?
Screamed by people who have been watching Netflix, reading books, and playing video games for 18 hours/day.
cop: “you’re drunk, get out of the car.”
judas: “bbut I’ve bbeen on tthe water all night.”
–
[jesus whistles innocently]
In Hell, you cannot peel off the colors on a Rubik’s Cube to solve it
If I was haunted by three spirits, one of them would definitely be tequila.
There is so much going on in this video … I don’t know who to focus on 😂😂😂 hilarious
haha sucks for women that they have to sit down to poop
Eating pancakes and bacon when I forget to put my teeth in is just not the same.
Heard the local weatherman say, “high in the thirties” & now I know the title to my autobiography.
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
*wrestles a hard fought 30min match*
*shakes opponent’s hand*
*hugs opponent*
*makes out with opponent*
*enters stable relationship with opponent that has intellectual chemistry and emotional intimacy*
*3 month anniversary brunch CLOTHESLINE HEEL TURN IT WAS ALL A SETUP*
You can have glossy lips or you can have a cat. You can’t have both.
Cat: my owner is asleep. What if he is dead?
Cat 911: just walk on his face and find out.
can’t help feeling like there’s already a name for this
My dog just looked me in the eye and said “no one is gonna believe you”, then took a nap.