Just a reminder that you’re not allowed to hit your coworkers. Even if they’re stupid.
I asked.
Twice.
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My kids just locked themselves in my bedroom to “have a party,” which involves wearing my clothes and eating goldfish crackers in secret. I’m not mad, just offended that I wasn’t invited.
oh yeah… you like music? name three instruments
If you run out of Christmas wrapping paper remember you can just write Jesus on the Happy Birthday.
What if I color on you? What if I run a truck along your back? Steal your toy? Throw a ball? Spit food at you?
– My toddler, wooing the dog
My wife never talks about the 99 times I watched her purse and didn’t lose it.
I carry around a fog machine so I can make a dramatic entrance every time I enter a room.
things i’ve picked my teeth with:
– pen lid
– unfolded staple
– aggressive licking
– a blade of grassthings i’ve never picked my teeth with:
– toothpick
[train]
GUY: Please take my seat.
ME: *adjusts pillow in my top to feign pregnancy* Thank you.
GUY: How far along are you?
ME: 5 stops.
When your coworker tells you they are getting a divorce a high five is not the right answer.
Or so I’ve been told.
Twice now.
[back from the ultrasound]
MOTHER-IN-LAW: So did you see the fetus?
ME: Fetus, handus, legus…there was practically a whole baby in there!
I found a message in a bottle. It said:
“The girl at the end of the bar is a lot hotter than she was 2 hours ago.”
It’s not officially bedtime until you drop your phone on your face.
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
Reasons to bake a cake after the kids go to bed:
1. To surprise them with it.
2. So they never know you ate an entire cake without sharing.
Me: “Your baby looks just like you.”
-“Thank you!”
Me: “Funny you took that as a compliment but ok.”
“Uh-oh!”
– My toddler, looking me dead in the eye while he feeds his dinner to the dog
There was a sign at work that said, “NO MICROWAVING FISH” which is crazy because I can’t think of anything cuter than a teeny tiny fish waving
Cashier: I love your lip gloss!
Me: Thanks, it’s food court teriyaki chicken glaze.
Tracklist for Donda 2
1. I hate Pete Davidson.
2. Did I mention that I hate Pete Davidson.
3. Cancel Pete.
4. I hope Pete Davidson has a really awful day.
5. I still hate Pete Davidson.
6. Kim come back.
7. I really hate someone with the initials P.D
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
Indiana Jones: I present the Ark of the Covenant, sacred crypt of the Ten Commandments.
Rick from Pawn Stars: I’ll give you 25 bucks.
My 4yr old keeps handing me toy dinosaurs and asking what kind they are and I have no clue… so I’ve been making up names.
Oh buddy that’s a plethosaurus.
That one’s a legiosaurus.
That’s a longneckasaurus.
Oh yes and this is the elusive bigbuttosaurus.
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing
[hands mom flowers on Mother’s day]
thanks for a life of sacrifice, these cost me twenty bucks
I’m older than the internet. When I was a kid we didn’t Google things, we had to ask our parents and then carefully filter through the bullshitery
Her birthday balloon sinks to eye-level and wanders the house all night like some evil disco ghost of calligraphy.
Hey geese crossing the road, u can fly.
Every craft store needs an aisle labeled So Your Child Has a School Project Due Tomorrow.
Honestly the only reason I had more than one kid was so one day they’d be able to push each other on the swings. That shit is exhausting.