Never ever make an arm wrestle bet with a man who has been single for a long time….
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Dentists that pass out lollipops at the end of your child’s dental cleaning, are passing out little pieces of job security.
figuring out my emotional availability:
“Wanna go camping?” “No thanks, I have a house.”
ADULT: I’ll have a $2 juice.
BARTENDER: For $13 more we’ll add 1.5 ounces of something that makes it taste bad.
A: Oo, yes I’ll take that.
If I say “Good point. Thank you.” to your inane, mind-numbing reply, I’ve already hired a hitman who can’t be traced back to myself.
If each day is a gift, I’d like to discuss the return policy.
Her : Let me see your big stuff baby.
Me: *sends a pic of my bills*
Me: tis better to have loved and lost than to embarrass yourself in front of mall security
Her: WHERE THE HELL IS OUR SON
Crossfit is the healthiest way to get rid of your friends.
I can think of a few ways to dirty up a bedroom..
*eats a nature valley granola bar on your bed, spills milk on the floor, wipes my face on your pillow*
“WHAT DO WE WANT?”
i havent decided yet
“WHEN DO WE WANT IT?”
i still need a few more mins with the menu you are a really terrible waiter
This is my bus stop.
How much for the horse tornado?
Sir, that’s a carousel.
I must have it.
By the time you reach 45, everyone becomes an expert orthopedist. “It hurts where? Yeah, that’s your medial hip flexor tendon maximus. I had that last year.”
I attribute my average intelligence to a balanced childhood diet of Smarties & Dum Dums.
son: dad, can you spell upside down?
dad: yes but it does make me dizzy
If a dude can be CEO of three companies at the same time that just says to me CEO isn’t a very demanding or important job.
I don’t know why Squirrels are hiding their disgusting acorns when literally no one else eats them
the vaccine could be radioactive dumpster water & it would still be healthier than most of what I put into my body during quarantine
You’re playing checkers and I’m over here playing with this horsey
haha, if i’m supposed to be at work right now then how come my ancestors are calling me towards this really bright light because i ate some clams i found in the denny’s parking lot?
A bird laments over the corpse of its fallen comrade. “Tern down. For what?”
The dismemberments will continue until morale improves now back to work and chop chop
The real reason Batman only comes out at night is because he’d get disastrous tanlines wearing that mask during the day.
My favourite way to cut carbs is with a knife.
i love how when someone asks what your favourite books are your brain does this sparkly little twirl and helpfully deletes every book you’ve ever read from your memory
me: I’m going to the store to get bread
wife: if they have eggs, buy a dozen
[later]
wife: did they have eggs?
me: *carrying 12 loaves of bread* yes
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Wait, there’s a big difference.
Did you say I look like THE Rock or did you say I look like A rock?
[Safari]
“Remember, when you’re near water beware of wild hippos.”Don’t worry, I’m prepared for that.
*shows handful of white marbles*