The real monsters are the people who hand you money with the bills not all facing in the same direction.
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[dunk tank baptism] *to little boy* you only have 3 chances or this clown doesn’t get into heaven
How do I stay in shape? I stole an ostrich, it chases me around the house all day, i hate it
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
Dolls have given us an unrealistic image of women. For example, Russian women do not contain smaller Russian women inside them.
Peter Pan: just think happy thoughts!
Me: um, ok
[1 hour later]
Peter: *pouring prozac into my hand* look we don’t have all goddamn night
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.
[simba and nala sit atop pride rock staring at a beautiful sunset]
simba: *pulls engagement ring from his hip pocket* circle of wife amirite!
nala:
simba:
nala: where’d you get a hip pocket?
friend:
There’s this thing that starts around 6PM andme:
I’m already out.
[Couples therapy]
WIFE: I hate the way he pronounces “food” like “feud”.
THERAPIST: And you, sir?
ME: She’s always in a bad mude.
I totally don’t wanna work today but on the off chance that my boss looks at my twitter, I totes DO wanna work.
*Husband buys me flowers*
Me: Aw sweet, but don’t waste money on things that are going to die.
Him: But you keep buying the cat food.
My husband is mad at my broken toe for not healing faster because he has to take over homeschooling and it’s “absolutely draining”. He’s been at it for 32 minutes.
My husband cleaned the kitchen for the first time in years. He’s in the living room , dressed in a suit, waiting for the award ceremony to commence
Me: *wakes up from nap, dazed* How long was I asleep?
Husband: Shh. Shh. It’s still 2020. Go back to sleep.
I’m glad we evolved from apes. If we evolved from chameleons, we’d constantly be walking into each other.
you could’ve given me a million hints plus unlimited time and i would’ve never landed on “dua lipa and trevor noah are dating”
*me laying on the couch naked & posed as they walk in*
Wife: The note said come to my parents for a ‘quiche’ you idiot.
A horse covered in floaties gallops happily toward a swimmin pool.
He sees a sign “NO HORSEPLAY”
He lowers his head
“Ok”
& sadly trots away
To avoid the awkward 5 minutes, lean over and give the cashier butterfly kisses while waiting for your 500 foot CVS receipt.
Me: these edibles are shit
(30 minutes later)
I’m gonna play Jenga with these Oreos
“Traaains”
– traveling zombies
I ordered one of those Tempura mattresses. Way too crunchy.
The opposite of Mariachi is Divorciachi
I put my baby on the baby changing station in the bathroom and when I was done, it was the same baby. 🙁
Die Hard led me to believe I’d experience more machine guns and high body count on Christmas Eve.
interviewer: ur biggest weakness?
me: i hate working
“I don’t have to outrun the bear! Just you!” Wrong. Bears are so sick of that joke, they skip the slow guy and eat the fast guy now.
Judge: how do you plead?
Me: Hakuna Matata.
Judge: what does that mean?
Me: I’m glad you asked *deep breath* 🎶…
Why go through the trouble of becoming an astronaut when you could just put a plastic bag over your head and roll down a hill in a freezer?
Her: You have a cigarette machine in your kitchen?
Me: Well it would look ridiculous in the living room…