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He’s the one. I know it. Don’t you agree?
Jar of pickled onions: I think you’ve had enough to drink
i love that kanye gets into very specific beefs with ppl i have to google but he’s nice enough to say both their first & last name
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
brace yourselves, the orthodontist just died
It’s so cute when Gen Z tries to insult us millennials. We had metal slides and lawn darts, you can’t touch us
I’m more of a homeless romantic.
Pro tip:
If you really want to make an impact, always have a mouth full of saliva before you “shhh” someone.
All I do is eat, drink, sleep and tweet.
I’m basically just a more annoying version of a Tamagotchi.
*Password must be hard to guess*
New Password: H0neyWhatDoYouWantForDinner?
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I bet the person who named the fireplace also named the waterfall
The best thing about being kidnapped is it’s like an automatic best friend who can’t let you leave or you’ll go to the police.
Sorry I’m late my grocery store rearranged all their aisles 2 years ago
kids in new york be like “i take the train to school” ok harry potter
BEYOND burger!
IMPOSSIBLE burger!
UNFEASIBLE burger!
LITERALLY UNFATHOMABLE burger!
burger THAT SHOULD NOT BE!
AFFRONT TO GOD AND CREATION burger!
2015:hey how’s it going so far?
2016:uh good
15:
16:
15:you’ve got an armed mili-
16:we’ve got an armed militia in a wildlife building, yeah
I love how people act like they don’t want to be followed in the street yet they keep looking back at you to see if you’re still there.
Comedy booker: how much time can you do?
Me: I have an hour
Comedy booker: there might be children there
Me: I have 7 seconds
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
Superman: So when I’m exposed to large amounts of sunlight, I get stronger and fly faster!
Icarus: sO wHeN i’M eXpOsEd To LaRgE aMoUnTs Of sUnLiGhT…. SHUT THE HELL UP CLARK!!
Person on another social media site described themselves as an “unobservant atheist” and I had to sit down in my rocker and let my addled brain try to puzzle that one out.
All I want for Christmas is someone to love and a horse solves crimes.
We installed those slam-proof bumpers on all of our doors. My kids’ fingers are safe, but I have no way of knowing when my wife is mad at me.
I woke up this morning and my hair looked like a Beatles lyric.
Here, there, and everywhere.
Me: [Hanging one-handed from a cliff, seconds away from death]
My kid: Can you hold this?
[everyone in the STI clinic glaring at my Pokemon shirt]
“No no it means like, I want to catch all the Pokemon”
[first day working at the pizzeria]
Me [cheeks full like a hamster]: boss, we’ve run out of everything
Your restraining order says NO
But your lazy eye says…….maybe later.
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
him: i love you
me: im saving my emotions for the star wars premiere