if by “picking up hotties at the club” you mean going to costco for rotisserie chicken then yeah i am
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wife: we’re hanging out with hannah and her husband tonight
me: ugh why? that dude sucks, all he talks about is horses
wife: i’m sure he’ll have something else to talk about this time
[later]
hannah’s husband: hey
me: that’s it i’m out
[driving home from party]
Wife: That was so embarrassingMe: I said I’m useless at remembering people’s names
Wife: It’s Amy
Me: Yes I know that now, Amy
Me at 1 day pregnant: omg the baby is craving a vacation in the south of France
Me: I really need to save money
Also me:
Going to a wedding today:
Me: Do I look ok boys?
6: You look fine.
9: You look wow.Clearly I have work to do with the little one.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
rich people are like we have to disguise the refrigerator
Possible Fact: If you suffer with freezing cold hands, you are contractually obliged to test their temperature by putting them on people.
I could tell by the scowl on her face that her patience and botox were wearing thin.
I’m watching my 4 year old son give my 1 year old a hammer. He is so irresponsible.
I think I have resting watching sex scene with my parents face
My robot vacuum and I are cut from the same cloth. When we see a line of dirt on the kitchen floor, we just spin around and go the other way.
[funeral]
WIDOW: thank you for coming
ME: are you kidding, I love funerals
My 4yo: Let’s play a game!
Me: Is it you throw toys around the house and I pick them up?
4: No. Yes.
Cement your reputation as the office Romeo by committing suicide over an underage girl you’ve been seeing for less than a week.
It takes a smoke detector 4 months to stop beeping if you were wondering how lazy I am.
Guess who’s got 7 thumbs and a a set of keys to a cadaver lab?
This could’ve been an email.
A pregnant lady was in line in front of me and a stranger asked her what she was having and she said “idk prob the chicken tenders.” Legend.
No one told me about Snapchat filters so all this time I’ve just been taping animals to my face.
New relationship be like, “what you doing?” ….”just drinking water”…”ok darling plz be careful”
I’m guessing the person who decided how to spell “queue” and “okay” got paid by the letter.
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
Husband: We need to cut back on spending for January. Just stick to the necessities, you know?
Me: *placing an order for snow boots for the dogs* absolutely
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
I bet dogs at parties get tired of being singled out by socially awkward humans.
Using “Hello” as a greeting
– boring
– uninspired
– predictableUsing “Hiya” as a greeting
– casually playful
– conveys enthusiasm
– leaves door open for karate
I got the words yakuza and jacuzzi confused the other day.
Now I’m in hot water with the Japanese mafia.
{Stalker Diary}
Went through his trash.
He buys the generic Fruit Loops. I remain committed. I find his frugalness irresistible.