Whenever you ride an elevator with other people, it’s best not to mention your imaginary friends even if someone is standing on Carl.
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Do any ear experts follow me? I clean my ears like once a week and it always looks like someone makes toffee in there. My question is this: is that toffee
Back in my day a “selfie,” was something you did with the door locked and a bottle of lotion.
Jeff Bezos inches closer to becoming Pitbull
I’ve spent the six years trying to learn Braille via hospital elevators. So far, I know elevator.
Sure I get excited when he unzips his pants. I’m pretending it’s the sound of his body bag.
Her: You secretly think you’re the most clever one in the room, don’t you.
Me: Secretly? No.
Me: Let’s get a library card.
Her: It’s too expensive.
M: They’re FREE, dummy.
[1 year later]
*receives bill for $190 in late fees*
Thinking about that time I used a pic of katy perry as my avi and a dude got so mad that I wasn’t actually katy perry that he called me a catfish and blocked me. Wonder how he’s doing now
[dinner]
SIS: I made $1M last year. Please pass the peas
BRO. Same. Please pass a roll
ME: I have $1.23 in my shoe. Please pass the cyanide
My retirement plan is basically these 10 scratch off lottery games.
* scratches *
Damn.
Ok, 9 scratch off lottery games…..
Hell hath no fury like a 4 year old whose sandwich has been cut into squares when he wanted triangles.
i am a strong woman, but if a server doesn’t bring my food out with everyone else’s, fair warning – imma cry
Why did David Hasselhoff change his name to The Hoff?
It was less hassle.
I’m sorry you didn’t find out that the Applebee’s gift card I gave you for your birthday doesn’t work until after you ate. I found out the hard way too.
*Hands you a handbasket*
You know what to do…….
[getting my license]
Me: *points at gas gauge* the car just ate so we have to wait 30 minutes
Instructor: *unclicks seatbelt*
This was maybe my favorite tweet of 2021
Nice romantic weekend with the husband.
Me: Babe I just took my sleeping pill you have about 15 minutes to get some.
Husband: My stomach is bothering me from dinner.
Me: Ok goodnight
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
[Carnac the Magnificent]
Donald Trump
Hannibal Lector
Liver and fava beans*opens envelope*
“Name a winner, a skinner, and a dinner”
that scene in doctor who where the doctor brings vincent van gogh to a 21st century exhibition of his work except he takes t.s. eliot to a screening of cats (2019)
My husband has entered the “fun socks” years.
Her: Hi, I’m Cindi with two “i’s”
Cyclops: Wow
I’m new to confession. Is it normal for the priest to cry and ask for a priest?
[dentists]
technician: you want a local anaesthetic?
me, a hipster: how local are we talking?
Hey girl, do you like bad boys? *tries to look cool by flicking my cig, but it’s an e-cig so I have to run and get it*
Batman: Why are you carrying a crystal ball and tarot cards?
Robin: You said I could be your psychic.
Batman: Sidekick. SIDEKICK.
Robin: Oh, that makes much more sense.