*coworker walks into bathroom, triggering the motion sensor that turns the lights on*
ME: [from one of the stalls] Welcome.
You Might Also Like
First, that jerk cut me off in traffic, then he stole my parking space, and then his stupid car got paint on my key!
I like to finish my pelvic exam by asking the doctor ‘hey, where’d your watch go?’
[getting a massage]
Me: I have tension in my lower back.
*therapist begins*
Me: Lower.
Me: Lower.
Th: But that’s your a-
Me: Lower!
Instructions that say “keep at room temperature” are stupid because they never tell you which room.
Keys just don’t make me laugh as much as they did when I was a baby.
I ordered some fitted sheets that have U.S. road maps on them. Now I’ll have two reasons why I can’t fold them.
cashier: would you like to donate to help fight kids—
me: lemme stop you right there. yes
my boss: your emails are full of spelling errors. You need to work on that
me: not today satin
Date: *reading menu* anything pop out at you?
Me: I don’t think it’s that kind of book
I enjoy the freedom of speech because if you let crazy people talk, they’ll totally tell you they’re crazy.
I couldn’t afford Botox so I just stopped making facial expressions about 15 years ago
I would throw myself under a duvet for you.
Adele is an amazing singer. The problem is, when one of her songs comes on, everyone else thinks they are, too
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche
Middle aged happiness is discovering that the next load of laundry to fold is just 8 bath towels and not 46 pieces of small human clothes.
GMO bananas: turn brown for what?
I bought a pregnancy test so the cashier who always serves me when I’m by myself in my pjs, buying ice-cream & chips, thinks I have sex.
Don’t take your kids to Disneyland when they’re under 4 years old cause they’ll never remember it. Wait till they’re a little older and then lie to them about how you took them.
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Older single ladies,
Now put your cats up!
Alcohol is like Lysol for feelings, it won’t kill all of them.
Pet Store Cashier: “Would you like a bag?”
Me: “Yes, I’d like a bag for my bag of birdseed.”
200 Catholics, one cup. -Mass
If we spell Jeff as Geoff then why not
– Geosh
– Georemy
– Geonathan
– Geonnifer
– Geacob
– Jreg
I swear every time my iPhone unlocks by my facial recognition, I hear it chuckle.
I just saw a girl at the gas pumps with a T-shirt that read :
Hugh Janus
And now i can’t stop laughing
[family dinner]
my mother: when are you going to settle down and give me grandchildren
me: [pulling a duckling from my pocket] i’ve introduced you to gregory and you refuse to acknowledge him.
Me: Can you go tell your brother that dinner is ready?
Son: *standing one inch from my ear* DINNER IS READY!
[Romeo and Juliet as turtles]
ROMEO: Death hath sucked the honey of thy breath
JULIET: I’m just stuck on my back
R: we’re turtles, Juliet
My reading glasses would look good on your nightstand.
-Me, flirting.