Children are the future. Cuz in the present, they’re hella annoying
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[About to have sex]
Girl: Do you have a condom?Me: Yeah
*bird screaching*
Girl: I said condom not condor
Me: *taking condom from bird’s beak* Good boy Rory.
Girl:
Me: Don’t you feel stupid now?
*bursts into starbucks*
Me: DO YOU GUYS HAVE A POWER OUTLET
Barista: yeah over there
Me: oh thank god
*plugs in a mechanical bull*
My foto for you
I hope you are a good girl
Your foto look nice#haiku
a house doesn’t have to be haunted to scare me, I’ve seen the listing prices.
“No. Nope. Absolutely not. Nope. Incorrect. Wrong” – Neil deGrasse Tyson watching A Star is Born
A vampire can’t enter your home without being invited. But that doesn’t apply to sheds. (One of those bloodsucking pricks stole my weedwacker last week.)
I’d been using my new hand-mirror for over 6 months before I realized it was actually a framed stock photo of a much less handsome man.
I still use my laptop to tweet. Also, I ride my horse through the shire to get to the blacksmith.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..
Can I still get fat if I snort Mac n Cheese powder?
I’m not country but I did just stop my car on the side of the road so I could put three goats in the backseat to take home and cut my grass.
I have no witty tweets puh rum pum pum pum.
It’s rude to upstage the bride on her wedding day but that’s exactly what’s going to happen when I burst into flames as I enter the church.
11yo: Dad, were doing a pretend show and you need to interview us
Me: Ok…
8yo: But none of the questions can be “What is your name?” “What is your quest?” or “What is your favorite color?”
Me:
8yo:
11yo:
Me: interviewees don’t get to pick the questions…
hey it’s me, the girl who just googled “chemistry alphabet” when i meant “periodic table”
The goldfish was a little sick so I dripped some steroids in her bowl and now everything is hunky dory.
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
I know you all think *I’m* the chaotic one in my family, but a baboon troop just broke into my sister’s house and stole two jars of peanut butter and her husband chased them off with a baseball bat, an event she relayed by dropping a video with no explanation in the group chat
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
Me: Are you done cleaning?
7-year-old: No.
Me: So what should you be doing?
7: Hiding.
She cleans like me.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
I ate a kids meal at Wendy’s
his mom was furious
If you let an idiot convince you that he’s the smartest man in the world…
Maybe he’s not the only idiot.
As I sit in isolation for hours, planning to keep a safe distance from my family, I hear them outside the door, shouting words of encouragement.
Like my kids saying, “Make us breakfast!”
And my wife adding, “GET OUT OF THE BATHROOM. YOU AREN’T SICK!”
HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
Conan: Texas recently had 9 earthquakes in a day. But don’t worry: Scientists are hard at work figuring out exactly what God was angry about
the doggo pooped out a little plastic hand so now there’s some poor Barbie running around like Luke Skywalker.
Someone put the toilet paper roll on backwards and I’m furious and also I live alone
A relationship is like a shark, it looks better on TV