Apparently ‘gravy’ is not an acceptable answer to the question, “What would you like to drink with your meal?”.
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“Let’s take a couple dozen over-stimulated children and give them enough sugar to kill an elephant.” – inventor of the birthday party
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Her: Have you seen my penguin tattoo?
Me *eyes wide* how does he hold the needle?
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Rasputin never died that day, as an immortal being. He hid for decades, before dropping the “Ras” and slipping back into Russian politics.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
anyone who thinks chickens come out of eggs is an idiot. have you ever seen a chicken? it’s like 500 times the size of an egg. jesus christ
I want to see the look on the burglar’s face when he opens the drawer full of soy sauce packets, wetnaps, & individually wrapped sporks.
Cw: Ignorance is bliss
Me: Explains why you’re so happy
HR: It’s good to see you again
INVENTOR OF THE CEMETERY: what if I told you there was a legal way to hide a dead body
Every piece of cake
Every cookie you take
Every bite of steak
I’ll be watching youDogs
My wife got an organic, free-range, non-GMO, antibiotic-free turkey for Thanksgiving — and every one of those adjectives added 20 bucks.
addams family is funny because it was meant as a subversion of regular western family values, and so the wife and husband both like eachother
He left his fantasy football open and I rearranged his line up by how hot the players are.
That’s how the fight started
Him: that only took me 90 seconds! New record! HIGH FIVE!
Me:
me: you misspelled school
8yo: I don’t think ‘h’ needs to be in that word
me: I think you’re taking our “think for yourself” talk a little too far
“I wasn’t born yesterday” – Lying newborn baby
After it’s spent a hard day protecting my phone I take my OtterBox off. I rest my case.
GET LOST THIS DUMPSTER ONLY SLEEPS ONE
[Friday morning meeting]
Me: *dressed in a hockey mask and carrying a big knife*
Boss: Nice Friday the 13th costume.
Me: It’s Friday the 13th?
Math teacher; suppose you have five friends
Me:
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
My boss: So… [dramatic pause]
Me, uncomfortable with silence: …a needle pulling thread?
The size of the gates in Jurassic Park suggests they were always planning on letting the dinosaurs out.
Hello everyone, this is your captain speaking. The plane’s going down. Look, stop screaming, that’s not going to make me a better pilot
Me: I think you should have a long bath tonight
Son: but we’ve only a got a regular-sized one
Me: I’ve never been prouder of you
Just found out my 6yo has mono and the doctor who diagnosed her asked if anyone in the house has similar symptoms, including excessive fatigue. Um, Sir, based on that alone, I’ve had mono since 2009.
Barista: Did you hear Netflix is raising its price $2 a month?
Me: Ridiculous! I won’t pay it!
B: here’s your coffee. $12.32
M: thank you
Thieves have removed motorway signs in Yorkshire. Police are currently searching for Leeds.
[going to bed]
Wife: I don’t have to get up so don’t wake me in the morning.
Me: Okay.[5 AM the next morning]
Me [waking wife up]: Hey I forget what you told me to do today.