Does anyone ever finish a jar of Vaseline? I’m still working on the one my great-grandpa passed down to me.
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I was thirty five years old before I realized that a hamlet wasn’t an omelette with ham.
Every fork at your favorite restaurant has been in 100’s of strangers’ mouths
“So lucky our kids have siblings so they’ll always be there for each other,” I mutter as I break up another physical fight between my daughters because they both want to be Hermione Granger for Halloween.
When I’m at the mall, I carry a purse around so people think I have a girlfriend
My doctor had to reschedule our appointment today and I’m not upset but I do feel like I should get a free prescription of my choice
When the intruder towards Virat Kohli at Eden Gardens – VK couldn’t control his laugh seeing policeman’s reaction 😂
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Just found out monkey pox is sexually transmitted .. just another win for me
GOD: I call them Water Buffalo
ANGEL: But they live on land
GOD: Yep
ANGEL:
GOD:
ANGEL: u really dont care anymore do u
GOD: Not a bit
If the Pottery Barn didn’t want me to bring my goat in the store, they shouldn’t have called it a barn.
Neighbor was looking at her engine, I thought I’d help, she said the check engine light came on so she opened the hood but didn’t know what she should be checking for. So then we both stood there checking the engine.
*watching Only Murders In The Building*
Me: “Where are all the crows?”
When I cut my nails in the yard outside, I wonder if the ants really appreciate the giant tusk weapons I’m giving them for their battles…
[ the manger ]
me: so what’s his name
mary: jesus christ
me: hey watch your language around the baby
Idea for a romcom. Two people hook up on a night out. Wake up and have to self isolate for two weeks in one of their flats because of COVID-19. Working title: Just the two of (vir)us.
*quits Twitter to spend time with family*
*remembers what family is like*
*quits family for Twitter*
Now that 1 in every 3 people cheats in their relationships,I’m left wondering. . .Is it my wife or my girlfriend that’s cheating?
Wish my husband got a check from the NFL for all the refereeing he does from his recliner…
Wife: *putting shoes on* Time to take out the garbage
Me: Can we please go back to calling it date night
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
This Amber Alert has gone off 4 times today.
I bet the people with hidden prison phones are shitting themselves right about now. 😬
They told me it was love at first sight during their divorce proceedings.
– Reasons why I drink
HGTV has taught me you can do anything if you have the right tools. I’ve also learned that any handyman you hire will have those tools.
hotels could immediately reclaim 80% of the airbnb market by adding a kitchenette to some of their rooms and equipping them with solid wooden cutting boards and anything less than the world’s shittiest nonstick egg pan
The Duolingo owl and the Hooters owl are brothers. One chose the path of knowledge. The other, the path of jumbo bazoingas, short shorts and chicken wings. An unbridgeable schism. A tale as old as time.
Why use 2 A’s in the name Aaron? Why not 17? What’s stopping us?