[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
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I’m in a doctor’s office waiting room and there’s a People magazine on the table. I can’t believe Brad Pitt and Jennifer Aniston are getting a divorce.
I can’t believe someone had the audacity to tell ME *gestures wildly at self* that I’m dramatic
Ever had a dream with someone in it who didn’t quite make sense? They were in your life, but not on a dream level? Like, I don’t know why I’m drowning in this car submerged in a lake, but I especially don’t know why I’m doing it with you, girl from my junior year sociology class.
13: so dad, I was thinking.
Me: about what, son?
13: I’m taller than you…
Me: yeah, and?
13: *leans over me* I am the dad now.
No matter how badly you need the money, never take a loan from the gulls. They can’t be reasoned with, and they will find you.
So, lemme get this straight…
Scooby-Doo can talk and help solve murders, but can’t go to the store and buy himself Scooby snacks??
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
history: itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself. itself.
[infant diary]
Father has disappeared during a game of peek-a-boo. I fear the worst.
Why doesn’t Popeye’s serve spinach?
Dammit, stop summoning me to fight global warming! I’ll believe it when the remaining 3% of scientists believe it! -Republican Capt. Planet
I’m pretty certain the inventor of the ball gag was someone who had just had sex with a loud talker
Made my wife laugh so hard that she spit out her milk so I said, “At least you’re consistent” & the laugh got replaced with a steak knife.
You know you’ve ordered too much take-out when they give you three sets of plastic utensils.
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Oh well….there’s always tomorrow!
#hopespringseternal
Forrest Gump is so unrealistic. There’s no way anyone would take chocolate from a man who’s been talking to himself on a bus station bench for 3 hours.
Tornadoes and marriage are alike, because they both begin with a lot of sucking and blowing, and in the end you lose your house.
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
Poured Tresemmé on a spider in the shower & scooted him down the drain, he reemerged w/ voluminous hair & screamed at me in a French accent
Shout-out to smartphones for eliminating tedious tasks from our lives like reading books or watching the road when we drive.
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
50% of parenting is just trying to decide if that noise is worth walking up all of those stairs.
I’m not saying I drank a lot over the holidays, but my liver just went to an AA meeting without me.
(my first day as a transformer)
optimus prime: Transformers, roll out!
Me:*transforms into hotdog cart* CAN I GET A PUSH HERE
Hey good news everyone : the history test I spent all night tossing and turning about, ended up being just a dream, as I graduated from high school 12 years ago
Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Told my mum someone had been shot and she asked with what? I wanted to reply ‘with a cutlass’ but I want her to pay for masters…