If you’re having a bad day, just know that my 9 year older nephew announced to a room full of friends and family that he saw his parents doing “naked yoga.”
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[searching for a new church]
Me: *calls* Yes, does your church offer complimentary WiFi, red wine and light appetizers?
Church: *click*
[watching TV]
“Buy her the perfect diamond earrings for the holidays…”
Wife: Those are perf-
Me: *changes channel*
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
Stop telling everyone I’m posting from earth. People don’t need to know where I live.
Bro this is the funniest shit I’ve seen in a minute 😭 the SpongeBob cast dubbed this star wars scene
Why is it called “getting ghosted” when ghosts whole thing is sticking around too long
I use a wheelchair. When someone asks the person I’m with “What’s her name?” I tell the person I’m with to say “I don’t know, let’s take her to the vet and see if she has a microchip.”
“Is that a dead body?” I heard a young child ask her mom as they passed me by. So, yeah, skiing is going pretty well.
Therapist: What’s something you can do to stimulate your mind during this time?
Me: Bank robbery
Therapist: That’s not a crime
Me: I’m out of ideas
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
Satan was all alone with Eve, NAKED, at the forbidden tree and all he did was to convince her to eat a fruit? GAY.
Wife – We’re invited to a gender reveal party.
Me – I always knew Ralph wanted to be a woman.
W – It’s for a baby
Me – Ralph is pregnant?
I see in your bio you’re divorced and play the bagpipes. I’m going to venture a guess as to why you’re divorced
Essential viewing in these troubled times.
Ultimately, I’m not sure what marriage signifies, if anything. Legally I guess it means something, for wills or whatever. But “spiritually?” It’s just some words, a ritual, no more or less sacred than a high five after a touchdown. But I digress. You may now kiss the bride.
Doctor: When he wakes from this coma, we don’t know if he’ll be the same or have brain damage
Me *opening eyes* gonna buy a duck and call it Dan Quackroyd
Doctor: Oh no
Wife: Oh shit he’s the same
Hang on guys. My boyfriend told me not to be anxious, so I expect to feel better any moment.
People who tuck their shirts into sweatpants…are you okay?
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
She asked if I noticed anything different about her & I said no. Then I noticed she was angrier than usual.
The most relaxing part of any flight is when you can finally recline your seat back half an inch.
I feel a deep connection to librarians because I also love telling people to shut up.
The Dominos “tracker” says Ashley just left with my pizza so I only have a few minutes to get naked. Just glad it’s not Brad…
…again.
This dude got his own movie?
Hello 911 my son is a terrorist he won’t eat AMERICAN cheese. Almost two. Yes I’ll hold.
Hello Child Protection Services my son is a terrori
Wanna hear a joke?
Sleep.
I know, I don’t get it either.
Waiter: What can I get for you?
Me: Steak, please.
W: How would you like that cooked?
M: By anyone other than my wife
Cremate me when I die and fire my ashes right when the beat drops at the club. First person to bring a tooth to the DJ gets free drinks all night
Did you know all your parents’ haggard old friends from your childhood memories were in fact 31 years old