Tried to update the Ryanair app but it downloaded on someone else’s phone 80 miles away.
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We need more people like this.
The Princess and the Pea
except it’s a rogue hair on the inside of my shirt driving me crazy all day
Me, embracing the mess I’ve made of my life
snowmen are one of the cutest things about humanity tbh. like oh it snowed? why don’t we make a little guy about it
“What kind of sick game are you playing, Karen?”
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I unfollow you.
You follow me.
I follow you.
You unfollow me.
I block you.“A Game of Phones”
A chicken pie in Jamaica costs £2.00
A chicken pie in Trinidad costs £2.40
A chicken pie in St Kitts costs £2.15These are the pie rates of the Caribbean
And y’all thought 2020 was going to be the worst year
I installed a bike rack on my car so my neighbors think I do something else besides drink.
What she said: wanna share some nachos?
What I heard: wanna race to see who can eat the most nachos?
“Are you going to finish that?”
-takes a tantrum from a toddler
If my boss suddenly revealed that he’d been Sacha Baron Cohen this whole time everything about my job would make a lot more sense
Kind of cruel how preschool and the Muffin Man teach girls that they might one day find a guy made entirely out of muffins.
NO THAT IS OBVIOUSLY NOT WHAT I’M LOOKING FOR GOOGLE
To hairstylist: [makes series of incomprehensible gestures around my head shape] so exactly that or I’ll cry
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
Adulthood is about finding three things:
1. Purpose
2. Meaning
3. A place to sit down
A key difference between keeping a cat & chimp as a pet, is a cat will eat your face off when you die. But chimps lack that kind of patience
i transcended “cat lady” 10 cats ago, i’m now “cat mother goddess” in some select circles. so worship meow!
At some point you realize that world peace and inner peace are too much to wish for and ask for an extra piece of pizza instead
My 9yo on Shark Tank:
“It’s a shirt, but look, it’s also a napkin!”
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
*84th flr*
CW: You look sad, can I cheer you up?
M: Heard Van Halen’s “Jump”?
CW: Sure!
Me: Jump out that window and sing it on the way down
Hello? I’d like to rent one bouncey house, please. How many will be using it? Just one. Her age? Uh. Four……..ty-seven.
me: so you want to give me a bunch of shit in exchange for my soul?
satan: yup
me: even though it’s lookin like i’m gonna be down there when i die anyway
satan: you got it
me: …are you just like bored or something? what is this?
grandmas be like imma stay for a few days and reset your children back to factory settings
T-Rex, watching the comet about to crash into the earth: I hope I’m remembered for my colorful and beautiful feathers.
Me: did I pass?
Driving instructor: *swimming away* no
Blacksmith *shoes a horse*
Swordsmith *forges a blade*
Aerosmith *gives a groupie gonorrhea*