Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
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I’m so dehydrated I could dry out a phone faster than a bowl of rice.
I went into a store with my kid and came out with a different one by accident. This one is a keeper. He says he does brake work. Well see.
DOCTOR: what were you thinking? He had a sword.
ME: *bleeding everywhere, clutching my favorite pen* that’s not how it’s supposed to work
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
People my age or older than me or younger than me are the worst.
My nephew’s inability to get his life started is so frustrating. Get a job, learn a skill, get a hobby or just do SOMETHING. But my family keeps justifying his behavior because “he’s only three.”
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
FRIEND: it’s saturday! you know what that means…
ME: hell yeah baby *secretly googles what does saturday mean*
“Women are crazy!”
“Did one try to murder you unprovoked?”
“No I just disappeared from her life with no notice & she went all PSYCHO on me.”
Priest: what do you think is the biggest thing keeping you from heaven right now?
Me: death, probably
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Don’t you even dare to come near! You won’t like it if I’m forced to release my emotional support bag of onions
What my girlfriend thought, first 4 dates:
1. Nice shirt.
2. Wow. A second nice shirt.
3. Okay, first shirt again.
4. He has two shirts.
Why is it called gluten intolerance and not “going against the grain”?
[under heavy sniper fire]
Platoon leader: where’s that sniper fire coming from?
Me [crying a fair bit]: a big gun with a telescope on it
Remember mad cow disease?
Good times.
Guess who went all day without dropping food on her shirt?
Not me, but I’m sure somebody somewhere did.
My wife and I have started making videos of plates and bowls that we’re selling from home while snowed in.
Now is the winter of our dish content.
I always strip to the waist when I quit a job.
What are some fun shapes kids would like to eat?
Perdue Chicken: Dinosaurs?
McCain Potatoes: Smiley faces?
Mondelez Candies: Other Kids!
You would be surprised at how many people will run if you yell “ITS A TRAP” and run in a random direction
The tooth fairy audits you if you have a gap between your teeth.
Ok but how old is your child in minutes?
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Who needs coffee to wake you up when one fall in the shower can turn into a break dance of horror
CALIBUR: I love being a calibur!
ME: Stop being a calibur. Arthur needs you.
EXCALIBUR: Ok