Wife: “Do you want to watch Batman Forever?”
Me: “I’ll watch it for a couple of hours.”
Wife: “I hate you.”
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Up until five minutes ago I thought Coachella was a Disney Princess who made expensive handbags.
Seeing a lot of people questioning how a bridge that big can collapse that quickly, so as someone with an engineering degree, I’ll try to break it down from a technical perspective:
Bridges aren’t designed to withstand a giant ship crashing into them. Hope that helps!
Love when people make a point and then bust out the “ever think of that?!” Like no. Almost certainly not. I have 8 thoughts a day and 5 of them are about sandwiches
My mum is visiting this weekend and she has taken the absolute best photo of the cats.
GERG: She licked ur donut?
JERY: Shes a DONUT LICKER!
GERG: gross!
JERY: she also said she “hates america”
GERG: Donut licking traitor!
Gift horse “My gums are bleeding.”
Dentist “Well this is a professional dilemma…”
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
[wonka factory in 2018]
Charlie: augustus is drowning
Oompa Loompa with a septum piercing: aren’t we all
Don’t wake a sleeping baby, and don’t make eye contact with a playing toddler.
Some fancy kids just egged my house with quail eggs. I went out to yell, and one of them garnished me with chives.
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Date – “so they had no other chairs?”
Me [sitting on an alpaca] “no”
The doctor said working puzzles would keep Grandma’s mind sharp. She’s been in the corn maze going on four days, so that remains to be seen.
I’ve been meaning to give my car a thorough cleaning, so I think I’ll leave a bottle of hand sanitizer on the dash and tempt fate.
When your wife asks you to dig
a hole for her shrub-She’ll feel threatened if you make
it large enough to hold a body.I know this now.
Tinder, but for nearby people that have a printer you can use.
I have to devil these eggs and I don’t want to. Where Satan when you need him?
RELATIVE: You know about computers, right?
ME (has a degree in computer science): No
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
grocery cart: [stuck to several other grocery carts] please. my family. can they come too?
me: no. one only.
Me: Hi, my name is Ursula and I’ll be your Uber driver.
Patron: Um, why are you wearing a clown mask?
Me: We’ll be making one quick stop.
“You know what people really want to see? Season after season of a guy drinking his own piss.” – Discovery Channel executive
My wife has already mentally eaten half my fries before I’ve even ordered.
I’m so glad I didn’t spread that out over the last three weeks in doable chunks but instead chose to cram it like a madwoman into 24 hours.
-My thought process, apparently, when tackling a deadline
Joined WhateverCupid™️ and matched with a woman who said we should meet for coffee if I wanted to and if not that was also cool. No photo. She said to look for a woman slouched in the corner wearing sweats. It went ok. I asked if we should meet again and she said whatever.
Welcome to middle age. You now do sock, shoe, sock, shoe to be more efficient when bending over.
Your odds are greater of being killed by a coconut rather than a shark and this is exactly why I don’t swim in coconut-infested waters.
I found stir fry all over my bed this morning.
I must’ve been sleep wokking again.
WIFE: *reading news article* There are what appears to be coordinated attacks by killer whales on boats
ME: *barely audible* orca-strated
HER: Get out!
“Taking candy from a baby” would actually be a responsible thing to do.