Lose something? Need help? Call 1-800-MOM & a team of moms will be deployed to you to ask you “Well, did you look?”Or “did you look-look?”
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“How are you single?”
you about to find out, just hang tight lmaoo
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Windbreakers only want one thing and it’s dis-gusting
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
My computer keeps giving me an error message saying “The Printer Can’t Be Found.” Uh buddy it’s RIGHT NEXT TO YOU, HELLO
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
“No, no his nose was a bit more avant-garde than that. His eyes suggested he’d lost a ladder.”
spider sees spiderman shoot webs out of his wrists:
oh OK yeah I can see why that’s a good way too.
one time when i was a kid my parents let an iguana babysit us while they went to a pablo cruise concert
At this late date, the only way I’m gonna be famous is if I save a baby from a fire. And the baby is filming the whole thing with his phone.
*opens dating site account* prepare to be dated you pieces of shit
Sometimes when my wife tells me she loves me I get the feeling it’s the tennis kind.
Told my kid he better not steal another candy bar cuz “we don’t have time to get arrested” if you’re looking for a parenting role model.
Government Shutdown: Day Three
Jellystone Park still closed.
Still no pic-a-nic baskets.
Yogi stares at Boo-Boo…
Boo-Boo looks tasty.
got kicked out of the louvre for checking to see if the Mona Lisa was a scratch and sniff
Niece: I like math
M: 5 X 1?
N: 5
M: *takes out phone* right
N:You’re using your phone?
M: I got a text
N: I didnt hear a sound*runs away*
I’m not saying that my husband is trying to kill me….
… I’m just saying that if I die from walking into an open kitchen cabinet that he’s the dumbass who left it open.
I call bullshit on red wine reducing fat. If there was any truth to that, I’d resemble a crack addict.
I USED MY WIFE’S VOLUMIZING SHAMPOO AND NOW I CAN’T STOP YELLING!
Sometimes to take a break from frightening election news, I watch something far less horrifying like ‘The Shining’ or ‘Silence of the Lambs’
My personal style is best described as “didn’t expect to get out of the car.”
A faucet is just a vertical treadmill for a tiny jesus
Interviewer: describe a time when you were asked to do something you were uncomfortable doing and you declined
Me: no
Son: I’m scared of bees
Me (very wise): Eventually every letter of the alphabet will terrify you
I told my vodka about you.
My kid saw a pic of teen me and almost thought it was her. I pointed to myself and said look close, here’s your future. To which she replied, “not if I take care of myself, mom”.
Free to good home. Vaccines are up to date.
Once, I went to hug my mom, she said, “Be careful, I don’t want you to squish my purse ketchups.” I still think about that
BARBER: *finishes cutting my hair*
ME: perfect, thanks
BARBER: *holds mirror up to the back of my head*
VOLDEMORT: yep, that’s great
I’ll be spending some time on my other account.
Be back later.* if I’m not back later please read the message above again*
My parents were very inspirational, they used to say:
“You can do whatever you want in life, as long as you don’t do it here.”