Man who looks forward to spending his entire life with Kim Kardashian disagrees with Grammy decision.
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Betty White improvising on the spot while Bea Arthur and Rue McClanahan crack up laughing is the only thing you need to watch today.
[fancy restaurant]
wife: [leans over, whispers in my ear] I’m not wearing any panties
me: [whispering back] is that sanitary
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
her: [flirting] what are you thinking about?
me: [thinking “do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?”] Do slugs have lungs, and are they called slungs?
My boyfriend threw out the packaging for our turkey crown. The packaging with the cooking instructions on it. Because I am a generous and mature person I said “never mind, I should have said.” And HE SAID “yes you should have really”.
And that’s what happened your honour.
trump: ban muslims
jeb bush: i disagree. just like dad would. who used to be president
ben carson: how did spongebob make fire underwater
His last words were, “I’m just going to tell her to calm down, and remind her that she still hasn’t made dinner.”
Can we just admit that a 5-year-old named walkie talkies?
I wish job sites ranked jobs by the level of human interaction you will have to deal with on a daily basis.
Ladies, if a guy tells you “Leggings aren’t pants,” tell him “You’re welcome.”
LIFE HACK: Tired of the neighbors’ noisy kids playing in front of your house? Sign up for the sex offender registry
Me: THE CAKE IS TAKING TOO LONG
Priest: it’s objections to the marriage, specifically
Date: I like a guy who’s environmentally aware
Me, pointing outside: that’s a cloud
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
Gonna swing by church later and see if anyone gave up something I want for Lent.
I never have a problem sharing my fries with my lovely wife (I got a second order just for me that I already ate on the drive home)
Jeff Bezos could afford to buy one large candy bar for every American on Halloween but he doesn’t
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
Of course you can be anything you wanna be. That’s how delusions work.
[on a date]
HER: any accomplishments?
ME: yeah, i’m an award winning [eyes darting around] award winning [sees a dog] dog… liker
HER: awww
Me: Babe, out of my purse can you bring me my…
*Husband brings entire purse*
Friend: How’s your Keto diet going?
Me: [throws fourth T-bone onto plate] My cholesterol’s extremely high, so I had a heart attack, but I’ve lost 2 pounds.
May just keep repeating the phrase “YOU DO YOU” to my coworkers until one of them sucker punches me.
me: I heard this cemetery was haunted
caretaker: I’ve worked here 173 years and haven’t seen anything
me: I need a new shirt
stores: way too small or ridiculously oversized?
ME: babe I wanna show you something *lifts shirt up*
HER: you didn’t swallow lightning bugs again did you
ME: it’s supposed to say “will you marry me” *flicks tummy* c’mon guys we practiced this
[Wheel]
_’D L_K_ TO SOL__ TH_ P_ZZL_
I’d like to solve the puzzle, Pat
Go ahead
I’d like to solve the puzzle
Yes, go ahead
No, I’d like to..
This old lady in the grocery store was just giving me the weirdest looks and the worst piggy back ride of my life
MTV Movie Awards comes on in 15 minutes if anyone needs a reason to turn off the TV and go to bed.
[Bar]
Her: I hate drinking alone.
Me: *downs shot glass of honey mustard* I prefer it.