Naughty at 40 is a hoax
Welcome to age of joint pains and loads of stress
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Legal notepads imply that illegal notepads exist
Me: it’s time to go
Kids: wait. I cannot possibly leave without my emotional support toothpick but I don’t know where it is
Tell me your best thing today. Mine was I went to see ‘The Meg’ at the cinemas and this jerk kept kicking my chair. So I got up halfway through the movie, sat down in the empty chair behind him and kicked his chair until the end of the credits. 10/10, would pay $20 to do it again
My appearance can best be described as “hopefully he has a good personality.”
First line in frozen pizza instructions: DO NOT EAT FROZEN PIZZA W/OUT COOKING. It’s almost like they know I’m the target demographic.
i trust rabbits implicitly. they wouldn’t let just anybody have ears like that
“How do you like your tea? Milk, sugar, eels?”
“Eels?”
“Okay, eels.” I say, unscrewing the cap on a carton of highly agitated eels.
Can we still see the Grand Canyon from the air or has the government put a giant tarp over it?
ME: My dog’s so happy I’m working from home.
DOG (to camera): Honestly, a heads up would have been nice. I had shit planned today.
Baby, turn it up so I can hear the captions better
The two places we often associate with the word ‘committed’ are in reference to insane asylums, and murder.
No surprise that a third place is with relationships.
16: If you could pick your own pronouns, what would they be?
Me: Well, I can and I choose cheesecake.
16: Cheesecake isn’t a pronoun.
Me: Yes, but everyone loves cheesecake.
16: Exactly, pick something else.
PARTNER: i think we should see other people
ME: look if you want to break up fine but for the love of god don’t make me see other people
anyone else like Italian cereal
Remember back in the day when your TV wouldn’t work so you’d bang it a few times? I tried that with my dishwasher and she ended up pregnant.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
My grandma used to say: “Never stand behind a cow when it’s windy or your face will be covered with freckles”.😂
Trainer: Are you wearing lipstick? Me: OMG no, that’s just wine.
Me: Haven’t shaved for two days. Do I look like McDreamy?
Wife: You look like McHomeless.
My first scholarly article was rejected in a letter so scathing I worried there might be criminal charges as well.
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
HIPSTER COP: I pulled you over because of the volume
ME: *turns down stereo* Sorry
HC: Not that. What products do you use in your hair?
So it turns out you can eat cranberry sauce when it’s not Thanksgiving and nothing happens. You don’t get arrested or anything.
I may be middle-aged but I still have the student loan debt of a much younger man.
wife: Would you ever want an open marriage?
me *messages every girl in my phone asking if they’d have sex with me* Umm *all respond no* Nah
The “walk of shame” should be going to a bar the next morning after being drunk looking for your lost debit card.
“Have you tried putting balogna in it?”
~me, as a marriage counselor
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
Me to Hitman: in the bedroom. He is big.
Hitman*pulls gun & enters* where is he?
Me: on the wall!
Hitman: that’s a spider
Me: kill it!