[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
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[Apple meeting]
We need an honest iPhone 6 slogan.
“How about, iPhone 6: Yesterday’s technology at tomorrow’s prices.”
Too honest, Carl.
*me talking to a couple* so who’s the 6 and who’s the 9?
I’m a pediatrician.
Oh, so you’re into feet?
Uh no…children.
Isn’t that illegal?
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
My ex-wife told me to go to hell. She’s fuckin crazy if she thinks I marry her again!
Fine, I’ll bite. What’s stability?
Now that I’m on Twitter, I can finally put that English degree I obtained to some use…
ME, TEXTING MY CRUSH: have any plans tonight?
HER: no not yet!! i’m totally free and available
ME: ok well have a good night whatever u do
We all expected the zombie apocalypse. No one would’ve/could’ve imagined the covid 19 and TP wars of 2020.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.
You can’t touch this.Lyrics to a beloved 90s hit, or parent to an over-curious toddler? The world may never know.
I basically have three hairstyles.
1. Straight
2. Wavy
3. Homeless
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
Kids today don’t even understand you could kill a person with a rotary phone.
GOD: why aren’t there more plants on earth?
ANGEL: the snails are doing a bad job of pollinating the flowers
GOD: ok then let’s go to plan bee
5: I miss Mama’s food.
Me: oh, sweetie. That’s so nice. I’m sorry I haven’t cooked more lately.
5: I said Mama Fu’s. The place with the Ninja noodles.
Me: oh.
5: Haha, you thought I missed your food.
You know the best side effect of losing weight? Supersonic hearing. I can hear the crinkle of a candy wrapper or bag of chips through walls.
My therapist thinks meeting women on twitter for sex is a bad idea. His wife disagrees.
Turns out my cat has been saying “meow” not “mayo”.
Anyone need eight gallons of Hellman’s?
“Oh heyyy youuu. How are YOU doing? How’s your… stuff? I haven’t seen you in… time.”
-I say to the person I don’t remember.
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
Girl, did you take a massage therapy course at a community college with questionable credentials? Because you’re rubbing me the wrong way.
CSI: North Pole
Detective: Based on the evidence I’d say it’s the reindeer killer.
Chief: Did you find hoof prints?
Detective: *takes off glasses* No. Slay bells.
Most accidents happen within a 2 block radius of your home. That is why I park my car 3 blocks away and walk. Can never be too safe.
I still remember where I was when I found out that a serving of hummus is two tablespoons. I was on my second container of hummus.
Define “toned.”
-Me to the Creators of all Dating Apps
Just tried to put my seatbelt on.
AT MY DESK.
I’m pretty.
Salad kits are great when you want to pretend you are trying to be healthy but also don’t have the energy to go outside and chop cabbages off of your cabbage tree and summon the Ranch God.
[in bed]
gf: I thought we could experiment with toys
me: fine, but not my buzz lightyear