Don’t look at me like that, daycare lady. Yes, my 3-year-old is wearing shorts and two sweaters. When I’m late, I negotiate with terrorists.
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me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
i want the dreams to chase me for once
This is what every Twitter trending topic looks like to me now
I swear babe, I’m a virgin, it must be a miracle.
*Joseph rolls eyes
Magician: I’d like a volunteer to be cut in half
Me: I’ll do it
Magician: You’ll never love anyone as much as you did Emily
Me: *crying* He’s good
Wife: What
When your mom is combing your hair for school picture day and she tells you what a handsome boy you are.
Every fifteen minutes, a teenager crashes his car due to texting and driving. I hope he gives up, because he’s obviously not good at it.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
Me: I have this severe pain in my elbow for a few days
Dr: *examines me* Looks like you have acute tendonitis
Me: Aw thanks but where is that pain coming from?
“Welcome to 9-1-1, Florida. If you’re calling about a matter related to George Zimmerman, please press 2. Otherwise, stay on the line…”
orange in the 60s, mus in the 70s, poon in the 80s, wu in the 90s. – the history of tang
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
My kid has Monday off for what school is calling “Family Connection Time.” I’ve had 5 years and 3 summer months of that. Take my kid.
Her: I want to have your babies.
Me: You’ll have to wait until they get off from school.
Pixar: so it starts with the love story of childhood sweethearts Carl and Elle
Me: omg they’re perfect
Pixar: right? later he goes on a great adventure in a floating house!
Me: haha and what does she do
Pixar:
Me: Pixar what is she doing during the great adventure
Sorry, my husband really tends to frown on me dating.
*keeps applying antiperspirant until he can remember doing both armpits*
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
My bank messaged me saying ” Stay healthy, stay safe”.
I replied “you too.”
me: the opposite of “some” is both “all” and “none”, which are also opposites of each other but not opposites of “some”
the pentagon: who else have you talked to about this
My wife didn’t post an essay thanking our kids for making her a mom on Facebook and now child services is on the way.
If you think the world revolves around you, you’re either a narcissist or a terrible astronomer.
[date]
me: *don’t let her know how awkward you are*
her: nice weather
me: thanks
People say to enjoy the messes your kids leave, because you’ll miss them when they’re grown and gone.
I like to call those people liars.
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
If the Powerball has taught me anything, it’s how to turn $200 into $4.
I jump out in front of you and open my trenchcoat, but I’m fully clothed. I start showing you the kittens I keep in the pockets. Are they wearing their own tiny raincoats? Heck yeah they are
Put my too-weak notice in at the gym.