My wife completely ignores me when she watches Grey’s Anatomy……so I ordered the first 5 seasons.
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Old timey ghosts are boring. I want to be haunted by a valley girl with giant hoop earrings.
Nudes are overrated. You should probably just send me a picture of those little plastic swipy things in your wallet.
As your sugar daddy I will provide you with a 40% discount on all your future insulin purchases
ME: I could use an espresso to sober up a bit, do you want anything from this Starbucks?
DRIVING TEST INSTRUCTOR: no
ME: we have a problem, they’re out of hot dogs
HER: that’s ok, i’m vegan
ME: ok we have two problems
Friend: I’m visiting the U.K. this summer. Should I pack for warm weather or cold weather?
Me: yes
Until the day I die I will think of the 90s as 10 years ago
I’m a lady on the streets but a silly fake ghost in the sheets
Him: which of these two fanny packs is better?
Me:
Me:
Him: you can say neither
Me: oh thank goodness!
me: I can’t decide what to have
waiter: what about the duck?
duck: I’ll have lasagna
I wonder how police on bikes arrest people.
“Alright get in the basket.“
[ interview at funeral home ]
director: are you ok being around death
me: *picturing all my houseplants* yes
My friends tinder conversation PLEASE ✋🏼😭😭😭
MY TOP 2 FEARS OF BEING ON A SHIP
2. Being framed by pirates for a crime I didn’t commit and then being forced to walk the plank
1. Being informed while on the plank that pirates don’t operate a traditional legal system, leaving me with no legal recourse for an appeal hearing
It was a classic Cinderella story: I walked into strangers’ houses and made women try on a shoe I found
Something good is coming my way I can feel it. Nothing life changing, probably just a hotdog
God please let it be a hotdog
My life coach: So what would you like to see happen this year?
Me: Kangaroos being allowed to fight in the UFC
Life coach: I will literally pay you to not come here anymore.
Body by Oreos
I think it’s crazy that we can accidentally make people, but we can’t accidentally make dinner. How nice would it be at the end of the day if we were like I wasn’t really trying to make dinner, but uh… it’s made.
Don’t you have anyone you can talk to? – me as a therapist
Ok, time to dust off the Christmas decorations. One year I must try taking them down.
[commercial for gymnastics]
Want to delay menarche and stunt your lumbar growth, but also risk getting crotch punched by a four-inch beam?
the olympics are held once every 4 years.. hell even im not held that often!!!!!
I’m never sure what to do with my hands when I’m eating fried chicken while making an illegal u-turn.
Me on the toilet: HEY I NEED SOME TOILET PAPER
6: *running around dressed like a mummy* we’re all out
Having your 9 year old daughter pack for a sleepover is a great idea, as long as you’re fine with her taking 17 stuffed unicorns and no socks.
When people ask if I’m being serious or if I’m joking, my answer is always yes.
Role playing didnt go so well last night. She was the hot sexy teacher and I the rebel student..so I ditched class. Cause schools for nerds.
Jokes on you TSA my body is 70% water and I just snuck it onto the plane