Blizzard after 3 years of Overwatch lore development
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*first day as Robin Hood
“Ok, this is a TERRIBLE business model.”
Does anybody know what date Easter is this year? And if so, what are you, obsessed with Easter
“If you love something, set it free…”
Unless it’s a man…
Cause he’ll get lost…
And you know he won’t ask for directions…
“Lost Unicorn…if found please stop doing drugs.”
My bank just sent me an email starting with “we’re all in this together” and then told me my monthly fees are going up
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
We only have one day set aside to celebrate women, but sharks get a whole week! Clearly, women need to start eating more people.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
While I appreciate your candor, I am not sure what you propose I do with my opinion is physically possible.
WHY ISN’T THE MEDIA TALKING ABOUT THIS?!👇
*links to story on mainstream media site*
Unicyclists should just walk if they’re so desperate to cut down on wheels
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Executioners flirting:
You hang first.
No, you hang first.
*giggling*
No, you hang!
No you!
FRIENDLY REMINDER: Frankenberry is not the cereal. He’s the guy who CREATED the cereal. The cereal is his monster.
watching the football game but shaking my head the whole time so everybody knows i disagree with it
We should call them Whether Men, because they don’t know whether or not it’s going to rain, get it? That’s a good one.
Short women who cook know the difference between cooking tongs and our special “grabbing tongs” to reach items on the top shelves.
I don’t want clothes that spark joy. I want clothes in which I can pause in a doorway, look over a shoulder, and utter something devastating before exiting.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
If I was a microplastic I would simply not go in the ocean or anyone’s mouth.
-Hello, RSPCA.
-Hello. There’s a polecat clinging to my ceiling fan.
-I don’t believe you.
-Well you’ll have to take my whirred ferret.
A bar and a bra , both drive men crazy when they open .
me: *entering the ocean*
ocean: how about at least buying me dinner first?
my delayed screaming response has baffled medical doctors and terrified amusement park goers for decades
With these gas prices, arson’s sure not the cheap thrill it used to be
i dont swirl my wine because im sophisticated i do it because i can barely stand
“Rogue One” idea:
The spies anxiously wait to meet their new commander.
Boldly – regally – he strides into the room.
“Mesa Jar-Jar Binks”
The lifeboat dilemma: the guy everyone wants to kill isn’t the one they want to eat.
Teacher: what do you call an alligator in a vest
Nobody:
Me: An investigator