I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
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[friend asks me to read an article]
brain: “am i taking too long? im not even reading it now. oh god”
me: [hands it back] “very interesting”
No YOU are a drama queen said the fainting goat to the opossum.
Every time I buy vegetables it’s a triumph of hope over experience.
Serious question, are there beef songs in other genres? If so please send. I know Mexican cartels got songs about people they killed. But to me, if the other person already dead, that ain’t beef, That’s just journalism.
[first time hunting]
friend: I’m out of shells do you have any
me: *choking on pistachio* a few
I have been lowering the tone for so long now that I am effectively operating solely in infrasound frequencies which can only be heard by whales.
And they are appalled.
Hot air balloon operator: How long a ride do you want?
Me: Can we stay up for 12 to 18 months?
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
Don’t you hate it when you leave your gym bag in the hot car and all your Hershey Bars melt?
David Hasselhoff has changed his name to David Hoff.
It’s less hassel that way.
as a teen: secretly drinking in the park with friends.
as an adult: secretly drinking in the park with squirrels.
Drive as I say, not as I drive.
Me: Boss our sales are really going updog.
Boss: You mean up?
Me: No, updog.
Boss: What’s updog?
Me: Not our sales. We’re bankrupt.
My wife almost fell down the stairs today and that got us into a heated argument whether my gasp was out of concern or excitement.
If You Take a Mom to Target:
If you take a Mom to Target, she’ll probably see a cute decorative basket in the dollar section that she likes.
Picking out that basket will remind her that she needs a bunch of stuff to put in it.
👇
*wife looks through my phone
*divorces me 8 times
[happy hour with friends discussing politics]
me: I’m going to keep my mouth shut.
alcohol: wanna bet.
I told my 5 year old that he was allowed to choose 1 item from the grocery store so we’re walking home with a cart.
You call the carnival ride dangerous.
I call it “Natural Selection’s Li’l Helper.”
HOW ARE SPOTTED OWLS ENDANGERED IF THEY’RE ALWAYS BEING SEEN
KID: Dad?
DAD: Yes, son
KID: What is the true meaning of Easter?
DAD: Well my boy, when someone wants to go very, very East they g-
KID: Never mind
I didn’t win the lottery, but I did find $60 in my husband’s jacket pocket this morning, so…
wife: [talking & making baby noises at cat]
me: you must be bored af
wife: no I’m not
me: I was talking to the cat
In response to McDonald’s pay with hugs campaign, Nationwide will allow you to pay for insurance with DEATH.
Don’t get mad. Get odd. Like incredibly odd. Show up in a clown suit to their work. Draw potatoes on all their mirrors. Make them be afraid.
Instead of a pre-workout protein shake I have mashed potatoes and gravy, and instead of working out I have mashed potatoes and gravy.
I’d been waiting so long for my doc, when the assistant came out and called for Krokowski, I said right here, here I am and ran back before Krokowski knew what happened.
Sometimes you need to hug someone out…
…cold.
In a world full of rude people
be the person
that carries a slingshot.