“you can be a good parent and hide chocolate chip cookies from your kids” she whispers as she wipes crumbs off her chin and quietly closes the freezer door
You Might Also Like
It’s entirely possible the recipe didn’t say burn it on the outside, undercook it on the inside and aim for a large dip in the middle but here we are
Me: Can I buy you a drink?
Girl: I don’t drink.
Me: Then can I just give you $7.50 to talk with me for a few minutes?
I once dated a woman named Kim who hated to be called Kimberly. Then I dated a woman named Chelsea who really hated to be called Kimberly
I only like to read about non violent historical events. I’m a pastifist.
Might have to change my avi if people keep asking: “Which one is the dog?”
Kong’s very sensitive.
“Parkour!”- What I yell after jumping up onto a chair to get away from a scary little mouse.
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
The last apple tree in the world shrivels up and dies. In the distance a horde of doctors are ready.
Tired of the cults I join going bankrupt so now I ask to see the prophet and loss statement.
[during sex]
me: imma turn the ceiling fan on
giraffe wife: *on top* noooooooo
Imagine you get murdered and some girl skips your episode of forensic files because it’s boring.
cold water immersion sounds cool but i’m doing this other thing called warm bed immersion
Toddlers will take your last nerve, deep fry it and eat it for breakfast.
How to Parallel Park
1. Back in slowly
2. Nope wrong angle
3. Oh god, ur holding up traffic
4. Keep driving forever, u live in the car now
When I was 5 my life ambition was to ride on a parade float. That happened when I was 6.
I didn’t really plan past that, and still haven’t.
my love language is feeding you rotisserie chickens with my bare hands at 4am while you’re asleep.
I want to die of natural causes like being stabbed to death by a rainforest.
if i heard the mario coin sound whenever i completed a task maybe i’d accomplish more
Them: be yourself
Me: do you have any better advice
starting a garage orchestra
me: got any weekend plans?
me: gonna get chubby
me: yah me too
[god inventing cows]
angels: why?
god: cheese
angels: *nodding* cheese
[watching a sex scene with my parents] You guys ever try that?
GIRLFRIEND: I think maybe you’re reading into this.
ME: *Stops packing my suitcase and holds up the one curly fry in with my regular fries* Why would this happen unless I’d been chosen for something?
Server: Want one of our famous milkshakes?
Me: Well, I saw your yard and it was empty.
Server: Huh?
Me: No boys.
Server: Huh?
Me: No thanks.
Yoga was invented in 1301 when a Buddhist monk fell down a big hill slowly.
CHILD: I thought you liked Froot Loops.
TOUCAN SAM: *eating an egg salad sandwich he brought from home* Look, kid, it’s just a job.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
She asked me to go deeper so I started quoting Nietzsche