“I’d make an awesome president. Give me a problem, any problem.”
“Um, population control?”
“Kill all the storks. BOOM!”
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I’m at the age where if people get pregnant I don’t know if it’s a good thing or not. like congratulations or sorry that happened
“Update Adobe or we’ll kill you”-flash mob
VEGETARIAN FRIEND: Can you believe these “mashed potatoes” are actually cauliflower?!?
ME: Yes. They taste like cauliflower. All of the things you make with cauliflower taste like cauliflower.
*Santa’s Google search*
cheap labor
cheap labor not kids
magic cheap labor
elf for sale bulk
labor laws by country
north pole group travel
Parenting is mostly just informing kids how many more minutes they have of something.
I always yell “FORE” when I’m throwing golf clubs out of my car at joggers.
Are kids ever okay at all?😂
I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Can we talk about your pleated, cuffed corduroys, or are we just going to let it happen?
I hate when Netflix asks if I’m still watching. You really think I got my life together in the last 2 hours?
[me being lowered into my grave]
the grave:
please input the SMS code we texted so we can make sure it’s you
Asked my son if he wanted to watch Netflix and he said he’d already seen it
Studio Apartment Available:
– Pet-friendly
– Located next to bridge
– No strings attached
[breathing]
“I could do this all day.”
Lawyer: And your opinion?
Cat: No question-a dog pushed the fish bowl over & ate the goldfish
Dog Defendant: Are you KIDDING me with this?!’
I’m exactly like Rocky in that, I challenge people to fight while I’m slurring my words.
when you need to shoot exactly four evenly-spaced dudes
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Hey Shakira, I get it. With all of these nachos and tequila, my hips don’t lie either.
Have learned that my fully potty trained 3yo has been telling her teacher every day that she’s had an accident so that she can change out of her uniform and into her (non-uniform) backup clothes. She’s outsmarted us all. She’s a little velociraptor.
Thor is definitely one of my top 5 favorite movies about hammers.
Johnny Depp would have made an excellent Catwoman.
Time Traveler: “What year is it?”
Me: “2020”
Time Traveler: “oh. Its the first year of quarantine”
Me
Taco Bell is the only place you can still get gas for $1.29
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Never trust anyone who says “let me be Frank” no, what is your real name?
Keep your fries close and your onion rings closer.
HUSBAND: I got the dog heart shaped cookies for Valentine’s Day.
ME: *through a mouthful of cookies* The dog?
Today, my coworkers and I got reprimanded because a manager caught us aggressively twerking in absolute silence.