[the inventor of corn chips]
What if knives were delicious?
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My only crime was love. And 6 different murders in 3 different states. Also some criminal mischief. Tbh it was a pretty rough week.
how to have an accident 101
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
No one will question your alcoholism if you always propose a toast before drinking.
Maybe all the vampires are always so angry and biting people because they can never eat any lasagne or spaghetti or anything that has garlic in it. Did you ever think about that? No you always think about yourself!
I threw up my hands in disgust last night.
Knew I shouldn’t have eaten them.
Finished assembling an IKEA bookshelf!
I’m very excited for my wife to see it and reassemble it the right way
I always weigh myself before I get in the shower so the water droplets don’t add additional weight. I also suck in my stomach before I get on the scale. That seems to help.
me: why do you involve your friends in all our fights
her: “that’s not true”
text from Beth: that’s not true
[first day in the mob]
*leans over to mafioso* Hey, so, uhh, I’ve always wondered: are they all just named “Don” or…
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
him: *walking into the kitchen* don’t you feel guilty eating Nutella right out of the jar?
me: *licking the spoon* only if I can’t finish the jar
This creepy guy at work calls me “hun” despite knowing my real name so I’ve started calling him Mulan.
Maybe my grandma stayed married for 50 yrs because she never said stuff like “I just wish he would support me, you know, creatively.”
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what
Someone just called me the GOAT. That’s what I get for chewing on a tin can behind a barn.
7: My teacher gave me a Christmas card but it’s cursed
Me: That… seems strange
7: That’s how they used to write in the olden days
That job interview was going so well until I realized I was fucked up on acid in the middle of a cornfield naked and talking to a scarecrow.
If you give me a hard time about being out of shape I will bury you in a shallow grave. A very, very, shallow grave
If anyone has a solid 3 hours on their hands, my 6 year old has a story about Pikachu he’ll tell to anyone who is willing to listen.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
Remember in your 20s when you sat upright to eat
I can bend a spoon with just my mind and some hard ice cream.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
6-year-old: I’m not cleaning my room.
Me: I don’t like your tone.
6: What does “tone” mean?
Me: I don’t like your voice.
6: *weird Kermit the Frog voice* I’m not cleaning my room.
Person: so, how are we today?
Me: well, I dunno about you, but I’m fine, thanks
He: “I’ll catch a grenade for you.”
She: “Prove it.”
He: *Plays Call of Duty*
[getting car jacked] umm i know i’m supposed to resist and all but if we don’t cooperate we’re both gonna miss McDonalds breakfast so hop in
ME: I know it’s probably the beer talking, but you look beautiful tonight!
BEER: Hey buddy, don’t be putting words in my mouth now.
oh good, now I can stop drinking